Another Banal Love Tragedy

I’ve been staying away because, frankly, I don’t want to be whining and griping about Biggie all the time.  It’s a drag to read, and oh Lordy it’s a drag to be living it too.  I thank you from the bottom of my heart for those of you who actually read this mess and for your thoughtful comments, really I do… Honestly I’ve become so isolated from all my friends and even my family, it’s been impossible for me to get a real objective view or any kind of feedback from anyone in my physical life. 

Things had been going relatively alright, a tiff here, an outburst there, but overall nothing too greatly dramatic.. until last night.  Over, naturally, the most absurd thing.

The Blushing Bride Achievement.  I achieved it, he saw it, harsh words ensued.  Stupid because the day had been going alright- we’d been lovey-dovey and jokey all day, although I stayed home for once and didn’t go over his house.  Once I got this Achievement, he saw it in guild and let me know through a tell that he didn’t appreciate it.  I admit I was very short on patience… ever since the notorious Brez Incident, I didn’t have a lot of understanding to spare as far as his getting mad over in-game incidents.  I called him & we talked for a bit, I tried to act as if things were normal but when he made it clear he was going to be grumpy over it, I lost my cool & said, “C’mon, over this? Over THIS?”  Because it’s a stupid thing to get mad over!  It’s an Achievement!  It’s a World Event!  How can I apologize for it?!

But I guess my dismissive reaction compounded the mess, a hundred times over.  He was silent, until finally I just hung up.  Then this morning he sent me an email, and the issue now is how I disregard his feelings.  No matter how minute the trigger, he says, he can’t help his feelings.  I just spit on them & treat him like a child & have no respect for him as a person.  I tried to explain how if the issue were something serious, like if I told a big lie or cheated on him or said something rude to his family, something like THAT, of course I would deal with his anger differently.  But if he gets mad over something trivial and petty, like Blushing Bride Achievement!!, then yea I’m sorry but I’m not going to sit and hold your hand through the anguish.

Then he explained that I seem to have a measuring stick of what’s worth getting mad about or not.  No matter what the issue, he said, if I were upset about something, he would never measure it to see if it was worth his effort to be understanding about.  No matter what the issue was, if I was upset he would be there for me, he would never make me feel like my feelings don’t matter.  Feelings are feelings, people can’t be told to feel happy or upset, and no matter what it is I should not dismiss his feelings in such a way to make him feel so childish and stupid, because he would never do that to me.

I told him he had a point & that it was something I’d have to work on.  Because when he puts it that way, yes I can see his point.  But obviously since I’m writing about it here all’s not clear, is it?  To be honest I can’t help but feel that, Alright, you can’t help feeling upset about something and I shouldn’t dismiss it… but he gets upset ALL the TIME and it’s almost ALWAYS trivial.  Saying Hello to a security guard while on the phone with him, /emoting someone else on WoW, running a Heroic without him, having male high school friends post on my Facebook, not being able to leave work early on a certain day… these kinds of things… it’s getting so hard to be understanding about his anger for stuff like this.  It’s easy for him to say he gives my feelings due respect because, well gee, I don’t get mad very often!  And when I do, I get over it fast!  If I got mad as often as he did, over the kinds of things he did, well I wonder… Ugh I guess it’s not fair to speculate.  Maybe he would. 

What I’m saying is, if he gets mad constantly, and I’m talking every other day, it’s kind of like the Boy Who Cried Wolf…  I don’t think I’m such a horrible person that I do infuriating things constantly, so even if I try not to judge, I can’t help getting shorter and shorter on patience each time it happens.  I tried to explain this, but our arguments go round and round in circles and it would never end if one side didn’t give in. 

I guess this is all preaching to the choir & I know deep down what my own writings here spells for the future.  Krys, you hit it right on the head though… he has so many things that attract me to him.  I’m not ready to say goodbye forever to all the things I love about him.   I adore his mannerisms, his sense of humor, his brashness, his obnoxiousness, his bullying, his tenderness… Oh God, it’s all so very, very banal.  Either leave him or don’t, right?  Ah, God.  I don’t want a Golf Guy.  I want Biggie, minus the temper and histrionics.  This is hard.