God help me
I read all your comments and honestly, they made me cry at my desk. I’m just a mess. A stupid sniveling waffling mess, and if I were you I’d be pretty annoyed at having to continue to read this stuff. You see… I think… I don’t know what the fuck is going on. Even though I should. I read your comments and I get this clarity like, Yes. Be strong. I know what I have to do. But then I talk to Biggie and… Well I think maybe you’re not even surprised.
We talked. Lots of stuff happened, but basically it came down to this now: He wants to see me today, I want to wait and see him tomorrow. We had a longstanding promise to spend tomorrow together- He promised me we’d watch Wolverine the movie when it came out tomorrow. So I wanted to have today alone… I have lots of reasons that I did spell out to him: I worked from7am-5pm today running on 3 hours of sleep, I’m tired, I’m still confused, I need time to think about stuff, I need to come in at 7am again tomorrow morning so I need to get home early, tomorrow after work is what I strongly, strongly, strongly prefer. His reasoning was like, he feels this absolute urgency- he made this analogy of “Say you’re a parent and you’re at the shopping mall, you’ve been shopping for hours & you’re tired, but you find out your kid is missing. You lost your kid. No matter how tired you are, you’re gonna drop everything, drop all your bags, and run to find your kid. That’s the urgency I feel. I lost the most important thing in the world, and I can’t wait to set it right.“ Powerful argument but… wtf… I DON’T WANT TO SEE HIM TODAY. Talk all you want but the bottom line is, I really really really don’t want to do this and if you make me do it I’ll resent the hell out of you for it.
We ended our phone conversation during my lunch break like this:
“I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to be with you forever. I want to have kids with you, grow old with you, die with you.”
“I want to watch Wolverine with you tomorrow.”
“Are you listening to me at all?”
“Yes.”
“All I ever wanted was to be with you forever.”
“I was really, really looking forward to watching Wolverine with you.”
We’re both so… we’re just bashing our heads together really. He doesn’t “get” me, I’m too stubborn (bitter? petty?) to give in to him, we just don’t see eye to eye, no meeting of the pig-headed minds here. I want him to magically, telepathically understand that my wanting to watch a movie with him tomorrow means that Yea! I’m giving you another chance! I’m trying to work with you! I don’t want to give up on us! But he doesn’t see that at all, he sees me shrugging while he pours his heart out, he sees me just trampling over his bleeding beaten down heart. And I know all this, I understand all this, but I still can’t find it in me to give him the reactions that he needs!
And then I get this:
I keep giving myself faith and hope and strength and I know deep down even though you said goodbye to me, its not what you want ultimately. If it is, please… just tell me so that I know that I’m just fooling myself. However, until you do, I swear, I told you last night and I’ll say it a million times. I just don’t know how to say goodbye. So I won’t. I’m not a quitter. I’m a fighter, and I’m going to fight till the end. I’m going to fight this, and you’re my girl… I’m not going to let you go that easy.
Listen, I will keep going, I will keep going. Only if you’re willing to fight this with me, I need you. More than ever. I need you. I need you next to me. But please, like me, drop your pride. If it isn’t pride, drop your selfishness just for a second, and please, help me. Give me something to work with. Give me hope. More importantly, give me your strength and tell me that my dream isn’t just that… a dream. Let me know that you’re willing to duke this out and even though this is probably the hardest thing that we’ll ever have to go through, that you’re willing to go through it, with me. Together. Please. I love you. I need you more than ever on this one. I need you. I love you.
I’m meeting him today after all but (of course) I’m bitter about it. I don’t want to do anything I’ll regret. I really wanted to be classy about all this. And I have to deal with the fact that deep down I don’t want to break up, at all. Is it emotional blackmail? Because… honestly? I wanted to be with him forever too.
Waffling is a good word. I’ve been called out for waffling on many things before- like joining a new guild. I am a world class heavyweight champion waffler- See the Ultimate Example. I am so upset right now because I know I’m fucking waffling, and it’s hurting us both so much more than if I just took a fucking stand.
April 30, 2009 at 5:09 pm
Hey, chin up.
He’s being controlling. The more you let him do this, the harder it will be for both of you. The more you keep seeing him, the harder it will become to stop seeing him.
This is sounding an awful lot like the cycles that stem from emotional abuse. You’ve put your foot down, but he’s trying to get you back since you took the control away from him.
April 30, 2009 at 5:15 pm
“I’m not going to let you go that easy.”
Honestly, that sounded like a threat to me.
Just another reader here, chiming in to say that you’re doing the right thing here.
You’ve put your foot down, keep it down.
April 30, 2009 at 5:34 pm
Do yourself a favor. IF, and it’s obvious you will, meet him, do it in public. Coffee, or something. Do not do this in private. If you do, just from your waffling tendency that you admit to, he will turn it around to make you feel sorry for him.
He obviously does it really well. I can understand he’s hurting. That’s natural. But he is making you feel sorry for him. People like this, when desperate enough, will say practically anything.
If you know anyone that has been in an abusive relationship, take a key from them. “Whack” then apologize profusely, “I love you so much. See I love you soooo much you just make me crazy and do things I would never normally do…. but it will never happen again, I just love you so much.
You need to stay strong. If you feel the need to waffle, then so be it. Just do this on your terms, not his. The moment you waffle too much he has you. You are now playing his game, not yours. He will see this and know that he has you with a snap of his fingers so to speak because you are no longer following your plan you told him you would.
Please be careful
May 1, 2009 at 2:24 pm
I’m going to echo some of what was already said today, with a bit of a slant. First off, I’m not saying to drop him unconditionally. But the first important thing here is to be honest with yourself.
You don’t want your relationship with him back. If you did, you never would have broken it off in the first place. Instead, you want what you think a relationship with him COULD be like. You’re attracted to the dream of what might be. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
Where you have to be honest with yourself is looking at where he is now, and how likely it is that he will ever be at a point where your dream can become reality. The first and most important question – does he want the same dream? And not just in the sense of “the two of you together.” You’ve already stated your “3 conditions” for continuing the relationship. Can he learn to see that those aren’t things you are asking in trade, but rather necessities for any healthy relationship? Can he integrate those, make them part of his dreams as well? Wanting to be together is great, but if he wants a wife who will be attentive to his every need, her attentions only for him, then I have a feeling he’s looking in the wrong place.
So it boils down to this: for the two of you to be together, There are two choices. First, he can build up his self-identity as someone separate from you, so that you can both bear the burdens of a relationship. Because it does take work. A lot of work. Or, you can destroy your own self-identity – quit your job like he wants, stop associating with friends in ways that make him feel uncomfortable despite the fact that those interactions are appropriate and healthy – and become an extension of him in the relationship. Obviously, choice 1 is the right one. It makes him a healthier and stronger individual. Choice 2 not only keeps him unhealthy, but drags you down as well.
So now, be brutally honest with yourself. Do you think he can change? Do you think he WANTS to change? Because he is going to have to make a huge effort to do so. He’s going to have to admit to himself and others that his behavior before was out of line and emotionally abusive. He’s going to have to look in the mirror and admit to himself “I hurt the woman I said I loved, because my own gratification came first.” And then after taking that crushing blow to his ego, he’s going to have to pick up the pieces and re-train himself, and learn all over again how to interact with you and relationships in general.
To be honest, most people can’t. At least, not on their own. And by that, I don’t mean you, I mean a professional. In fact, being with you might make things harder in some ways.
So, assess the situation. It’s going to hurt like hell to break off the relationship. Every day you wait, it’s going to hurt more. Every time you go back to him, it’s going to hurt more. This is a decision only you can make.