You don’t want your relationship with him back. If you did, you never would have broken it off in the first place. Instead, you want what you think a relationship with him COULD be like. You’re attracted to the dream of what might be. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Where you have to be honest with yourself is looking at where he is now, and how likely it is that he will ever be at a point where your dream can become reality. The first and most important question – does he want the same dream? And not just in the sense of “the two of you together.” You’ve already stated your “3 conditions” for continuing the relationship. Can he learn to see that those aren’t things you are asking in trade, but rather necessities for any healthy relationship? Can he integrate those, make them part of his dreams as well? Wanting to be together is great, but if he wants a wife who will be attentive to his every need, her attentions only for him, then I have a feeling he’s looking in the wrong place.

So it boils down to this: for the two of you to be together, There are two choices. First, he can build up his self-identity as someone separate from you, so that you can both bear the burdens of a relationship. Because it does take work. A lot of work. Or, you can destroy your own self-identity – quit your job like he wants, stop associating with friends in ways that make him feel uncomfortable despite the fact that those interactions are appropriate and healthy – and become an extension of him in the relationship. Obviously, choice 1 is the right one. It makes him a healthier and stronger individual. Choice 2 not only keeps him unhealthy, but drags you down as well.

So now, be brutally honest with yourself. Do you think he can change? Do you think he WANTS to change? Because he is going to have to make a huge effort to do so. He’s going to have to admit to himself and others that his behavior before was out of line and emotionally abusive. He’s going to have to look in the mirror and admit to himself “I hurt the woman I said I loved, because my own gratification came first.” And then after taking that crushing blow to his ego, he’s going to have to pick up the pieces and re-train himself, and learn all over again how to interact with you and relationships in general.

To be honest, most people can’t. At least, not on their own. And by that, I don’t mean you, I mean a professional. In fact, being with you might make things harder in some ways.

So, assess the situation. It’s going to hurt like hell to break off the relationship. Every day you wait, it’s going to hurt more. Every time you go back to him, it’s going to hurt more. This is a decision only you can make.

He obviously does it really well. I can understand he’s hurting. That’s natural. But he is making you feel sorry for him. People like this, when desperate enough, will say practically anything.

If you know anyone that has been in an abusive relationship, take a key from them. “Whack” then apologize profusely, “I love you so much. See I love you soooo much you just make me crazy and do things I would never normally do…. but it will never happen again, I just love you so much.

You need to stay strong. If you feel the need to waffle, then so be it. Just do this on your terms, not his. The moment you waffle too much he has you. You are now playing his game, not yours. He will see this and know that he has you with a snap of his fingers so to speak because you are no longer following your plan you told him you would.

Please be careful

Honestly, that sounded like a threat to me.

Just another reader here, chiming in to say that you’re doing the right thing here.
You’ve put your foot down, keep it down.

He’s being controlling. The more you let him do this, the harder it will be for both of you. The more you keep seeing him, the harder it will become to stop seeing him.

This is sounding an awful lot like the cycles that stem from emotional abuse. You’ve put your foot down, but he’s trying to get you back since you took the control away from him.