I hope it all works out, but again, I believe Fio is correct in his conclussion (the type of thing you see in emotionally abusive relationships).

- Ak.

I don’t really comment much on the blogs I read, but I figured this might be a good exception to make, my wife and I having a blog that’s basically about being married gamers. I hope you don’t mind some unasked for advice, but it seems like you could use an unbiased opinion. I went back and re-read your posts on what has been going on.

First off, stick to your guns. You are absolutely right here. I know the situation sucks, but you’ve made the tough decision. Don’t waffle back on it, or it will only reinforce his behavior ten times over. Yes, there is a time for compromise. But there is also a time to realize that there are some things you cannot compromise on, and that attempting to do so will only lead to a unhealthy relationship.

You asked above, “Am I just being a total girl when I say that I wish he could think of it as, I must do all this if I want to keep her?” The answer is no, you’re being a reasonable adult wanting a healthy relationship. He SHOULD be looking at anything and everything he’s done, because you are obviously not happy.

I’m going out on a limb here a bit, since I’m only basing this from your perspective. However, Biggie reminds me of a friend of mine (who is a great guy sometimes, but has issues). He’s desperate for a relationship, because he feels he needs one to be complete. He centers his identity around that relationship, but then attempts to control that identity the same way he’s always controlled himself and his life. There’s no consideration or accounting for the fact that now there’s someone else there, who needs and deserves some control over and respect within the relationship.

One thing he said that really strikes me – “No, don’t be selfish, not right now, I need to see you, I NEED it.” This about drove me up the wall. First off, the ‘need’ thing. I that’s what convinces me I’m probably right about what I said above. As far as I’m concerned, in order to be in a relationship with a Partner (capitalizing that deliberately), you have to be comfortable in your own skin and with who you are alone. You have to be a stable individual before you can commit to bearing the load of a relationship.

The second thing in there was the “selfish” thing. It’s a typical backhanded insult dressed up to try to seem reasonable. It’s not. To be blunt, it’s the type of thing you see in emotionally abusive relationships.

And it seems like that may be what happened here. You’ve been afraid to see him online, because he might be angry. He interprets things as signs of affection (the Blushing Bride thing) toward others, and overreacts. Then when he is confronted on the issue, it’s not his fault. How far of a step is it from “It’s not my fault I blew up at her, I can’t control my feelings, she should know better and take them into consideration” to “It’s not my fault I hit her, I can’t control my anger, she should know better than to get me upset?” He talks about compromise, but the only compromise he is willing to consider is for him to be right.

And it makes me sad that you had to explicitly state your “demands.” Those aren’t things that would be ‘nice’ to have in a relationship. Those are necessities, from both sides. If he can really, truly come to realize that, maybe there’s hope for the relationship. But if he tries to talk around it or continues to belittle your needs as “selfish,” I unfortunately don’t think there is much hope.

So, rest assured, you’re not being unreasonable. Frankly, I’m glad you’ve realized you were in a situation that was not healthy and got out.

Hope I haven’t come out of left field too much, but I think sometimes hearing that sort of thing from someone completely uninvolved in the situation can do some good.

Fio

It’s a totally bi-polar effect for people in this situation. Scream, release, realize “Damn I shouldn’t have said that.”, try to change it and make it sound that you care, realize its not working, revert back to BLAH again.”

What are you doing you ask? You are showing him that you are your own person. You explained what needed to change and at that time he wasn’t hearing. HOPEFULLY he was listening though and can take the time apart to actually HEAR what you said. Stick to your guns. Take the space that you obviously need to sort things out. Take the space to give him the time he needs to realize what he is losing and decide if its needed to change. or just tell me to shut the hell up and I will.