Now Internet, there’s a quote somewhere that goes something like this: “The only person who can see the whole picture is the one who’s already stepped out of the frame.” Probably there are many meanings behind that but anyway the point is, I can’t tell what’s up or down anymore when Biggie & I argue. Am I right, am I wrong, am I being manipulated and deceived, am I being hysterical and unfair, I don’t know anything anymore.
Yes. It’s bad again. But… in a different way.
You know, there are many things I admire about President Obama. Such as… how he is open to having discourse with everyone, even if people disagree with him. Not exactly “negotiating with terrorists”, but like allowing everyone to at least say their piece; even if at the end you’re not going to agree, at least you don’t make a decision based on only one part of the story.
It seems like an important thing to learn to do. Even if I think Biggie is sooooooo wrong, and I am soooooooo right, to at least be able to listen to his perspective with an open mind. And it is grasping onto this thought that I’ve been going into the fray this time around…
Things have changed in weird ways. He’s been saying that I’ve been emotionally abusing him. “You know sometimes you see a gorgeous girl with an ugly guy? The girl doesn’t know she’s beautiful because the guy keeps telling her she’s disgusting and horrible. He breaks her self-esteem down so she’ll stay with him, and eventually she gets so brainwashed that she feels like he’s doing her a favor by being with her. That is what you do to me.“ …I’m mentally breaking him down so he feels desperate, is what he’s saying. <:o ! ? !
His point, and his biggest hurt, is that I make him feel like an asshole. It drives him crazy, he says, that I always seem to expect the worst of him. I think of him as a monster, he says, and it makes him feel utterly helpless.
Internet. What can I say? I never thought I treated him poorly. I never thought I did anything ego-crushing. All I thought about was his temper, the way he treated me.
Re-reading these blogs, re-reading my private journal, it does clearly portray him as a jerk. If I were a stranger reading it all, I would think he’s a big prick.
So I’m feeling guilty now. When he says these things, I recoil & wonder at myself. Am I really emotionally abusive? Do I paint myself as a victim, and twist his words around to make him feel guilty and punish him? Am I responsible for making him feel horribly insecure?
Since this issue came up, I’ve been spending a lot of time in self-reflection. I have tried to be brutally honest in assessing my own character… I think I do have an occasional tendency for melodrama and I often let my anger come out in passive-aggressive ways instead of open confrontation. I may have a bit of a martyr syndrome in me. I “forgive” easily, but even if I consciously believe I’m not holding a grudge, resentment might be secretly buried in there for an awfully long time. Which might in turn come out in subtle jabs that end up cornering him into feeling like a monster.
GRrrraraerwwafdaskjfa;g!! I don’t know. I’m shaken. I’m trying to see his perspective and I’m appalled at the way he feels, but then in the next moment I think, “But I’m not like that. This is wrong.”
My self-analysis did come up with the stuff above, but at the bottom line, whether it’s true to others or not, I sincerely believe I’m generally an understanding and compassionate person. Even if I’m not reasonable all the time, I am not a histrionic, manipulative drama queen.
But if we both feel mistreated by the other, well.
Maybe we just bring out the worst in each other. I don’t know.
Needs more thought.
