Before I started dating Biggie, I’d been single for… oh, about 5-6 years. During that time, I never felt lonely. Not once. I even hermited at times for months on end, and never felt depressed or alone. In fact, reading backlogs of posts from this month last year, I seem to have been quite happy, creative, and enthusiastic about stuff in my long singlehood.
Right now… Our lives are so entwined I feel smothered. I can’t go to the bathroom at work without him knowing about it. Did you know that it’s possible be so closely involved with someone, so horribly co-dependent, and still feel awfully helplessly lonely?
I never thought.
My friend Honey told me, “Can you imagine a life full of these trivial arguments? What if something really serious were to happen? Women need a dependable guy… cuz then you’re just all on your own, aren’t you?“
***
I didn’t write about this but… a couple of weeks ago… we broke up. Again. This time though, he dumped me. Over the phone, while I was at work. Reason: Well he said there were a lot of emotional things going on but from my perspective, the situation was this: I went into the subway to buy a new Metrocard. My hands were full because I was juggling a coffee, my bag & my wallet. He called me as I was waiting on line; with my hands full I couldn’t pick up. He continued to call me nonstop but it was a good 5 minutes before I got out of the subway and could finally pick up.
“Why the fuck don’t you answer my calls? You know I fucking hate it when you ignore me!“
“Whoa! I’m really sorry, I was in the subway & my hands were full…”
That was my first mistake. I was so taken by surprise by his flare of temper that I automatically apologized, out of courtesy! or something stupid like that, but that startled automatic apology really bit me in the butt later on… He continued to rage at me for about a good hour until I started getting very upset, myself. I demanded that he apologize for the unreasonableness of his attack, but then his argument became, “You apologized to me already, so you admitted you were in the wrong. Why are you flipping it now and asking me for an apology? If you didn’t think you were wrong, you shouldn’t have apologized. Make up your fucking mind.” It drove me almost hysterically upset, that kind of “logic”… After a while he did apologize, but by then I was subdued & depressed. To change the subject, he started joking around with me, but I couldn’t respond to his teasing because I was feeling so bleak and shaky. Then he lost his temper with my non-responsiveness and said, “You know what, fuck this. I’m done. Do you understand? I’m done!”
Honestly after all that spontaneous unexpected drama, I felt more relief than anything else. I felt almost happy, I mean I knew that later on down the road I’d start to feel hurt & regretful & need some time to heal, but at that moment I felt free and much lighter of heart. I went on with my day, did NOT cry at my desk, went home quietly, called up an old friend, read a good book, had a good night’s sleep. Woke up alone but not lonely. Felt hopeful about the future even, despite the shattering of one dream.
It was good until the following night, when he called me up at 2AM ranting & screaming & cursing me out for not contacting him and trying to get him back. At that point I was almost completely detached & viewing it from the distance of someone who’s already stepped out of the frame. Something’s clearly wrong with this picture- you don’t abruptly dump someone on the phone while they’re at work then wake them up a couple nights later raging at them for not chasing after you! So I behaved pretty coolly, but not coldly, because after 7 inseparable months I felt like I owed him some compassion. Maybe compassion’s overrated though, because it made him think that the next day he could show up to my house & demand that I come out & see him. Little Miss Stupid eventually did go out, got in his car, got in his HOUSE, got in his ARMS, and got back on this rollercoaster.
Something else that’s bothered me recently… He told his friends he wishes I would go out more, had more friends, and that I wasn’t such a homebody! I was really flabbergasted that he would give this impression to people… I ask for space all the time. We’ve had very demoralizing fights because he wouldn’t give me time to even go through my mail after getting home before he’d be honking at my door. We had horrible struggles over the fact that I felt that seeing him every single day was overwhelming; each alone-day I managed to wrangle from him, I had to pay for, emotionally & physically, for the rest of the week. If he ever asked for a guys’ night out, dude I would push him out the door with both hands and a headbutt. I refused to give him my work number for a long time because I didn’t want him to incessantly bother me at work, which since giving in, he has indeed been doing. It’s true that I’ve become isolated from most of my friends… because everytime I brought them up or suggested a double-date or even wanted to lunch with one who works near me, there was tension with him. It really hurt that after kicking & screaming for more space & having to give way most of the time, losing touch with most of my friends & even my family under his influence, he’d go and give everyone the opposite impression. This is the kind of thing that’s making me feel mentally unstable.
***
Ugh, all this Biggie-bashing. There are good moments, and he’s still one of the funniest & most charismatic people I know. I just had a lot of things built up inside. Hehe I just came back from a good lunch can you tell from the change in tone? I’m not bipolar, really! :P
I don’t know! My motto is, “If It Doesn’t Kill Ya, Let It Go“. Except when it’s, “QQ To The Internet Because You’re A Doormat“. Sorry, Internet. Thanks for being my anonymous support system. It’s just… When things are bad, they’re horrible. When things are good, I try to hold onto the calm for as long as possible because… because I love it when we’re not fighting. I wish, for the millionth time, that magically the temper & neediness & insecurity would go away.
