Disintegrating Me

Well blog it’s been quite a while, I bet you barely recognize me anymore.  However, I predict we’ll be getting real friendly again real soon… Cos it’s no longer a question of why, but how.  And when.

Read about TJ’s engagement today.  While I’m happy for her & Phil, can’t lie it brought me some stabs of sadness.  Cos see, I always felt this kinship with TJ…  She’s like my brotha from anotha motha ya nah mean?  In that queer Internet-lurker way, I felt really close to her, like she’s me in an alternate dimension with the same age, same bad habits, same likes & dislikes, etc.   But now it kinda feels like… damn my twinnie made the most awesome choices in life & she’s reaping the shiny rewards: great guy, happy relationship, big dog!, great move, stay-at-home job goddammit, happy life.   And I… made some that… are making me… miserable.  Cos I am indeed miserable, and lonely, and feel like a failure, and reading about TJ’s happiness with Phil makes me teary for the wrongest & most self-pitying reasons.   I am glad for them though, and in the end it motivates me to get my stupid life back on track.

I have to say goodbye to Biggie.  I have to.  It has been, all told, the most unhealthiest relationship of my life.  Going in, I was somewhat proud and confident of myself as a smart, easy-going, uncommonly cool girl…  Coming out, I’m insecure as shit, prematurely aged, soul-jaded, smoking like a chimney, swearing like a sailor, and I feel dirty & cheap & stupid & mentally unbalanced.  Like I’m hanging by a thread.  Talking to my old friends once in a while, I feel this pretense going up that was never there before… *act happy & breezy, smile, laugh, crack a joke, tease, good job now calm the fuck down please just be quiet*.  Who is this person?  I don’t know who I am anymore.  Some fake bitch who’s gonna grow up to be a desperate housewife.  No, I really need to get out of here.