It’s done.  Feeling nervous… shaky… relieved but apprehensive… freer but a little bit miserable… insecure and anxious… Will I be okay?

I know I’m going to feel lonely.   In WoW & RL.   Nobody constantly texting me during the day or getting me big containers of antipasto from the best deli on earth.   Nobody to farm Sethekk Halls with for the raven mount anymore.   Nobody to exchange snarky tells with when the pug raidleader proves insane.   Nobody to engage huge flame wars on my behalf when loot gets ninja’ed from me in a pug.   Nobody to make me Northern Stews for the cooking daily because I never did the quest for that recipe.   Nobody making me grovel and apologize for things I don’t feel are offenses.   Nobody’s temper I have to worry about setting off.   Nobody I have to check in with or report to.   Nobody I have to worry about, and nobody who will care about me, either.  It’s bittersweet. 

I’ll miss the closeness of being with someone.   But I’ll get over it. 

In the coming weeks, in case I have doubts, I’m going to record his last words to me for posterity & conviction:

I’ll never forgive you for this. Ever.  Ever.
You are a selfish, self-righteous fuck.
From this moment on, you mean nothing to me. Nothing.
You are nothing but a fucking chickenshit coward.

I’ll be okay.

Before I started dating Biggie, I’d been single for… oh, about 5-6 years.  During that time, I never felt lonely.  Not once.  I even hermited at times for months on end, and never felt depressed or alone.  In fact, reading backlogs of posts from this month last year, I seem to have been quite happy, creative, and enthusiastic about stuff in my long singlehood.

Right now… Our lives are so entwined I feel smothered.  I can’t go to the bathroom at work without him knowing about it.  Did you know that it’s possible be so closely involved with someone, so horribly co-dependent, and still feel awfully helplessly lonely? 

I never thought. 

My friend Honey told me, “Can you imagine a life full of these trivial arguments?  What if something really serious were to happen?  Women need a dependable guy… cuz then you’re just all on your own, aren’t you?“ 

***

I didn’t write about this but… a couple of weeks ago… we broke up.  Again.  This time though, he dumped me.  Over the phone, while I was at work.  Reason: Well he said there were a lot of emotional things going on but from my perspective, the situation was this: I went into the subway to buy a new Metrocard.  My hands were full because I was juggling a coffee, my bag & my wallet.  He called me as I was waiting on line; with my hands full I couldn’t pick up.  He continued to call me nonstop but it was a good 5 minutes before I got out of the subway and could finally pick up. 

“Why the fuck don’t you answer my calls?  You know I fucking hate it when you ignore me!“ 
“Whoa! I’m really sorry, I was in the subway & my hands were full…” 

That was my first mistake.  I was so taken by surprise by his flare of temper that I automatically apologized, out of courtesy! or something stupid like that, but that startled automatic apology really bit me in the butt later on… He continued to rage at me for about a good hour until I started getting very upset, myself.  I demanded that he apologize for the unreasonableness of his attack, but then his argument became, “You apologized to me already, so you admitted you were in the wrong.  Why are you flipping it now and asking me for an apology?  If you didn’t think you were wrong, you shouldn’t have apologized.  Make up your fucking mind.”  It drove me almost hysterically upset, that kind of “logic”…  After a while he did apologize, but by then I was subdued & depressed.  To change the subject, he started joking around with me, but I couldn’t respond to his teasing because I was feeling so bleak and shaky.  Then he lost his temper with my non-responsiveness and said, “You know what, fuck this. I’m done. Do you understand?  I’m done!”

Honestly after all that spontaneous unexpected drama, I felt more relief than anything else.  I felt almost happy, I mean I knew that later on down the road I’d start to feel hurt & regretful & need some time to heal, but at that moment I felt free and much lighter of heart.  I went on with my day, did NOT cry at my desk, went home quietly, called up an old friend, read a good book, had a good night’s sleep.  Woke up alone but not lonely.  Felt hopeful about the future even, despite the shattering of one dream. 

It was good until the following night, when he called me up at 2AM ranting & screaming & cursing me out for not contacting him and trying to get him back.  At that point I was almost completely detached & viewing it from the distance of someone who’s already stepped out of the frame.  Something’s clearly wrong with this picture- you don’t abruptly dump someone on the phone while they’re at work then wake them up a couple nights later raging at them for not chasing after you!  So I behaved pretty coolly, but not coldly, because after 7 inseparable months I felt like I owed him some compassion.  Maybe compassion’s overrated though, because it made him think that the next day he could show up to my house & demand that I come out & see him.  Little Miss Stupid eventually did go out, got in his car, got in his HOUSE, got in his ARMS, and got back on this rollercoaster.

Something else that’s bothered me recently… He told his friends he wishes I would go out more, had more friends, and that I wasn’t such a homebody!  I was really flabbergasted that he would give this impression to people… I ask for space all the time.  We’ve had very demoralizing fights because he wouldn’t give me time to even go through my mail after getting home before he’d be honking at my door.  We had horrible struggles over the fact that I felt that seeing him every single day was overwhelming; each alone-day I managed to wrangle from him, I had to pay for, emotionally & physically, for the rest of the week.  If he ever asked for a guys’ night out, dude I would push him out the door with both hands and a headbutt.  I refused to give him my work number for a long time because I didn’t want him to incessantly bother me at work, which since giving in, he has indeed been doing.  It’s true that I’ve become isolated from most of my friends… because everytime I brought them up or suggested a double-date or even wanted to lunch with one who works near me, there was tension with him.  It really hurt that after kicking & screaming for more space & having to give way most of the time, losing touch with most of my friends & even my family under his influence, he’d go and give everyone the opposite impression.  This is the kind of thing that’s making me feel mentally unstable. 

***

Ugh, all this Biggie-bashing.  There are good moments, and he’s still one of the funniest & most charismatic people I know.  I just had a lot of things built up inside.  Hehe I just came back from a good lunch can you tell from the change in tone?  I’m not bipolar, really!  :P 

I don’t know!  My motto is, “If It Doesn’t Kill Ya, Let It Go“.  Except when it’s, “QQ To The Internet Because You’re A Doormat“.  Sorry, Internet.  Thanks for being my anonymous support system.  It’s just… When things are bad, they’re horrible.  When things are good, I try to hold onto the calm for as long as possible because… because I love it when we’re not fighting.  I wish, for the millionth time, that magically the temper & neediness & insecurity would go away.

Now Internet, there’s a quote somewhere that goes something like this: “The only person who can see the whole picture is the one who’s already stepped out of the frame.”  Probably there are many meanings behind that but anyway the point is, I can’t tell what’s up or down anymore when Biggie & I argue.  Am I right, am I wrong, am I being manipulated and deceived, am I being hysterical and unfair, I don’t know anything anymore.

Yes.  It’s bad again.  But… in a different way.

You know, there are many things I admire about President Obama.  Such as… how he is open to having discourse with everyone, even if people disagree with him.  Not exactly “negotiating with terrorists”, but like allowing everyone to at least say their piece; even if at the end you’re not going to agree, at least you don’t make a decision based on only one part of the story.

It seems like an important thing to learn to do.  Even if I think Biggie is sooooooo wrong, and I am soooooooo right, to at least be able to listen to his perspective with an open mind.  And it is grasping onto this thought that I’ve been going into the fray this time around…

Things have changed in weird ways.  He’s been saying that I’ve been emotionally abusing him.  “You know sometimes you see a gorgeous girl with an ugly guy?  The girl doesn’t know she’s beautiful because the guy keeps telling her she’s disgusting and horrible.  He breaks her self-esteem down so she’ll stay with him, and eventually she gets so brainwashed that she feels like he’s doing her a favor by being with her.  That is what you do to me.“  …I’m mentally breaking him down so he feels desperate, is what he’s saying.  <:o !  ?  !

His point, and his biggest hurt, is that I make him feel like an asshole.  It drives him crazy, he says, that I always seem to expect the worst of him.  I think of him as a monster, he says, and it makes him feel utterly helpless. 

Internet.  What can I say?  I never thought I treated him poorly.  I never thought I did anything ego-crushing.  All I thought about was his temper,  the way he treated me.

Re-reading these blogs, re-reading my private journal, it does clearly portray him as a jerk.  If I were a stranger reading it all, I would think he’s a big prick. 

So I’m feeling guilty now.  When he says these things, I recoil & wonder at myself.  Am I really emotionally abusive?  Do I paint myself as a victim, and twist his words around to make him feel guilty and punish him?  Am I responsible for making him feel horribly insecure?

Since this issue came up, I’ve been spending a lot of time in self-reflection.  I have tried to be brutally honest in assessing my own character… I think I do have an occasional tendency for melodrama and I often let my anger come out in passive-aggressive ways instead of open confrontation.  I may have a bit of a martyr syndrome in me.  I “forgive” easily, but even if I consciously believe I’m not holding a grudge, resentment might be secretly buried in there for an awfully long time.  Which might in turn come out in subtle jabs that end up cornering him into feeling like a monster.

GRrrraraerwwafdaskjfa;g!!  I don’t know.  I’m shaken.  I’m trying to see his perspective and I’m appalled at the way he feels, but then in the next moment I think, “But I’m not like that.  This is wrong.” 

My self-analysis did come up with the stuff above, but at the bottom line, whether it’s true to others or not, I sincerely believe I’m generally an understanding and compassionate person.  Even if I’m not reasonable all the time, I am not a histrionic, manipulative drama queen. 

But if we both feel mistreated by the other, well.

Maybe we just bring out the worst in each other.  I don’t know.

Needs more thought.

I read all your comments and honestly, they made me cry at my desk.  I’m just a mess.  A stupid sniveling waffling mess, and if I were you I’d be pretty annoyed at having to continue to read this stuff.  You see… I think… I don’t know what the fuck is going on.  Even though I should.  I read your comments and I get this clarity like, Yes. Be strong. I know what I have to do.  But then I talk to Biggie and… Well I think maybe you’re not even surprised. 

We talked.  Lots of stuff happened, but basically it came down to this now: He wants to see me today, I want to wait and see him tomorrow.  We had a longstanding promise to spend tomorrow together- He promised me we’d watch Wolverine the movie when it came out tomorrow.  So I wanted to have today alone… I have lots of reasons that I did spell out to him: I worked from7am-5pm today running on 3 hours of sleep, I’m tired, I’m still confused, I need time to think about stuff, I need to come in at 7am again tomorrow morning so I need to get home early, tomorrow after work is what I strongly, strongly, strongly prefer.  His reasoning was like, he feels this absolute urgency- he made this analogy of “Say you’re a parent and you’re at the shopping mall, you’ve been shopping for hours & you’re tired, but you find out your kid is missing.  You lost your kid.  No matter how tired you are, you’re gonna drop everything, drop all your bags, and run to find your kid.  That’s the urgency I feel.  I lost the most important thing in the world, and I can’t wait to set it right.“  Powerful argument but… wtf… I DON’T WANT TO SEE HIM TODAY.  Talk all you want but the bottom line is, I really really really don’t want to do this and if you make me do it I’ll resent the hell out of you for it.

We ended our phone conversation during my lunch break like this:

“I want to spend the rest of my life with you.  I want to be with you forever.  I want to have kids with you, grow old with you, die with you.”
“I want to watch Wolverine with you tomorrow.”
“Are you listening to me at all?”
“Yes.”
“All I ever wanted was to be with you forever.”
“I was really, really looking forward to watching Wolverine with you.”

We’re both so… we’re just bashing our heads together really.  He doesn’t “get” me, I’m too stubborn (bitter? petty?) to give in to him, we just don’t see eye to eye, no meeting of the pig-headed minds here.   I want him to magically, telepathically understand that my wanting to watch a movie with him tomorrow means that Yea!  I’m giving you another chance!  I’m trying to work with you!  I don’t want to give up on us!  But he doesn’t see that at all, he sees me shrugging while he pours his heart out, he sees me just trampling over his bleeding beaten down heart.  And I know all this, I understand all this, but I still can’t find it in me to give him the reactions that he needs! 

And then I get this:

I keep giving myself faith and hope and strength and I know deep down even though you said goodbye to me, its not what you want ultimately. If it is, please… just tell me so that I know that I’m just fooling myself. However, until you do, I swear, I told you last night and I’ll say it a million times. I just don’t know how to say goodbye. So I won’t. I’m not a quitter. I’m a fighter, and I’m going to fight till the end. I’m going to fight this, and you’re my girl… I’m not going to let you go that easy.

Listen, I will keep going, I will keep going. Only if you’re willing to fight this with me, I need you. More than ever. I need you. I need you next to me. But please, like me, drop your pride. If it isn’t pride, drop your selfishness just for a second, and please, help me. Give me something to work with. Give me hope. More importantly, give me your strength and tell me that my dream isn’t just that… a dream. Let me know that you’re willing to duke this out and even though this is probably the hardest thing that we’ll ever have to go through, that you’re willing to go through it, with me. Together. Please. I love you. I need you more than ever on this one. I need you. I love you.

I’m meeting him today after all but (of course) I’m bitter about it.  I don’t want to do anything I’ll regret.  I really wanted to be classy about all this.  And I have to deal with the fact that deep down I don’t want to break up, at all.  Is it emotional blackmail?  Because… honestly?  I wanted to be with him forever too. 

Waffling is a good word.  I’ve been called out for waffling on many things before- like joining a new guild.  I am a world class heavyweight champion waffler- See the Ultimate Example.  I am so upset right now because I know I’m fucking waffling, and it’s hurting us both so much more than if I just took a fucking stand.

I’ve been staying away because, frankly, I don’t want to be whining and griping about Biggie all the time.  It’s a drag to read, and oh Lordy it’s a drag to be living it too.  I thank you from the bottom of my heart for those of you who actually read this mess and for your thoughtful comments, really I do… Honestly I’ve become so isolated from all my friends and even my family, it’s been impossible for me to get a real objective view or any kind of feedback from anyone in my physical life. 

Things had been going relatively alright, a tiff here, an outburst there, but overall nothing too greatly dramatic.. until last night.  Over, naturally, the most absurd thing.

The Blushing Bride Achievement.  I achieved it, he saw it, harsh words ensued.  Stupid because the day had been going alright- we’d been lovey-dovey and jokey all day, although I stayed home for once and didn’t go over his house.  Once I got this Achievement, he saw it in guild and let me know through a tell that he didn’t appreciate it.  I admit I was very short on patience… ever since the notorious Brez Incident, I didn’t have a lot of understanding to spare as far as his getting mad over in-game incidents.  I called him & we talked for a bit, I tried to act as if things were normal but when he made it clear he was going to be grumpy over it, I lost my cool & said, “C’mon, over this? Over THIS?”  Because it’s a stupid thing to get mad over!  It’s an Achievement!  It’s a World Event!  How can I apologize for it?!

But I guess my dismissive reaction compounded the mess, a hundred times over.  He was silent, until finally I just hung up.  Then this morning he sent me an email, and the issue now is how I disregard his feelings.  No matter how minute the trigger, he says, he can’t help his feelings.  I just spit on them & treat him like a child & have no respect for him as a person.  I tried to explain how if the issue were something serious, like if I told a big lie or cheated on him or said something rude to his family, something like THAT, of course I would deal with his anger differently.  But if he gets mad over something trivial and petty, like Blushing Bride Achievement!!, then yea I’m sorry but I’m not going to sit and hold your hand through the anguish.

Then he explained that I seem to have a measuring stick of what’s worth getting mad about or not.  No matter what the issue, he said, if I were upset about something, he would never measure it to see if it was worth his effort to be understanding about.  No matter what the issue was, if I was upset he would be there for me, he would never make me feel like my feelings don’t matter.  Feelings are feelings, people can’t be told to feel happy or upset, and no matter what it is I should not dismiss his feelings in such a way to make him feel so childish and stupid, because he would never do that to me.

I told him he had a point & that it was something I’d have to work on.  Because when he puts it that way, yes I can see his point.  But obviously since I’m writing about it here all’s not clear, is it?  To be honest I can’t help but feel that, Alright, you can’t help feeling upset about something and I shouldn’t dismiss it… but he gets upset ALL the TIME and it’s almost ALWAYS trivial.  Saying Hello to a security guard while on the phone with him, /emoting someone else on WoW, running a Heroic without him, having male high school friends post on my Facebook, not being able to leave work early on a certain day… these kinds of things… it’s getting so hard to be understanding about his anger for stuff like this.  It’s easy for him to say he gives my feelings due respect because, well gee, I don’t get mad very often!  And when I do, I get over it fast!  If I got mad as often as he did, over the kinds of things he did, well I wonder… Ugh I guess it’s not fair to speculate.  Maybe he would. 

What I’m saying is, if he gets mad constantly, and I’m talking every other day, it’s kind of like the Boy Who Cried Wolf…  I don’t think I’m such a horrible person that I do infuriating things constantly, so even if I try not to judge, I can’t help getting shorter and shorter on patience each time it happens.  I tried to explain this, but our arguments go round and round in circles and it would never end if one side didn’t give in. 

I guess this is all preaching to the choir & I know deep down what my own writings here spells for the future.  Krys, you hit it right on the head though… he has so many things that attract me to him.  I’m not ready to say goodbye forever to all the things I love about him.   I adore his mannerisms, his sense of humor, his brashness, his obnoxiousness, his bullying, his tenderness… Oh God, it’s all so very, very banal.  Either leave him or don’t, right?  Ah, God.  I don’t want a Golf Guy.  I want Biggie, minus the temper and histrionics.  This is hard.

Biggie’s pissed off again, how shocking!  I’m guilty of 2 crimes this time:

1. I have a separate chat window for tells, which I keep up on the top left corner of my screen.  This was obscured when I opened the Auction House window, so I missed his tells.  After whispering me 4 times with no answer, he assumed I was ignoring him and got very upset, as is his wont when I don’t respond to him immediately.  Accordingly, he gave me the cold shoulder when I finally saw his tells and whispered him back.  Because not responding immediately to tells is a very good reason to get angry. 

2. Rumor has it Ulduar is going live TODAY!  Exciting, isn’t it?  However, I have a work event I need to attend and thus must stay at work until the usual 5PM, although on most days if needed I’m able to get out a bit earlier.  Biggie asked me to get out early today so we can hit Ulduar ASAP, I explained about the work meeting, he became extremely aggravated and insisted I leave early.  I can’t.

“You’re on a hot streak.”  Of pissing him off, he meant.  When I ventured to say, “I wish you were a little more understanding”, he shot back with “Well I wish you’d be more attentive!”  We’re really butting heads here because I swear, Internet, I’m more attentive to him than anyone else in my life, including my own MOTHER.  He’s blown up at me before for missing a tell of his, so since then I’ve just about broken my fingers making sure I type back to him instantly anytime he whispers me.  I’d like to say I’m on high alert to cater to his needs because I love him, but honestly it’s because I’m afraid he’ll lose his temper again.  Ain’t that somethin.

This issue about my job vs. his feelings may be escalating into something that will be very sad for me, either way.

My brother, Mr. Obnoxious, quit the guild this weekend after a falling-out with Nerdboy, our guild leader.  Some backstory:

Mr. Obnoxious is our best DPS, probably the best hunter on our server.  He’s been playing WoW since it first came out and is indeed very knowledgeable, an excellent player by all accounts.  However, he has a terrible attitude- he gloats a lot over his own l33tness and has a bad habit of holding up the raid to insist that paladins give his pet Might for every single pull.  Paladins seriously hate him. 

Mr. Obnoxious has a special way of being obnoxious- he brags while pretending to be humble (“Good job guys, you broke 3k damage! You guys rock!” <- after posting meters that show him at the top with 5k damage. Nobody is fooled by his show of encouragement- he only does this when he breaks some personal DPS record), and he’s a greedy loot-whore but plays it off as if (and possibly genuinely believes) he doesn’t care about loot.  It’s a long-standing joke in the guild that Mr. Obnoxious always joins a raid by announcing loudly and generously, “I don’t need anything from here, I’m just here to help you guys!” but every time something drops, he will say, “Hold up, hold up… I think I could use that for my offspec!” 

Basically, Mr. Obnoxious is the type of guy who can say earnestly, with a perfectly straight face: “I’ve already proved I’m the best DPS, but it’s not about who’s the best!  I play WoW to enjoy the game, not to beat other people!  Although I CAN, it’s not important!”  Nobody really likes his attitude, but they tolerate it because he IS the best DPS and we need him for when Ulduar comes out.

So the other day we found out that Mr. Obnoxious inexplicably made this completely obnoxious thread in the WoW forums about some loot he got.  “I got 6 pieces of epic loot in my first heroic Naxx run, aren’t you guys all jealous?”  Naturally he got negative feedback, “Grats on being carried”, etc., but he decided to fan the flames with more fuel: “Wow you guys are so bitter and jealous of me”, etc.  It kinda just went from bad to worse, to the point where people were Armorying our guild and criticizing some of us for our gems, specs, etc.

Anyway, Nerdboy was pretty pissed that the guild was getting attacked & demoted Mr. Obnoxious to a low rank.  They had a little tiff which ended with Mr. Obnoxious viciously telling Nerdboy how he’s a terrible leader and not fit to be guildmaster and /gquitting. 

Biggie & Co. attempted to talk him into joining back,  but Mr. Obnoxious made his stand and joined a new guild.  Nerdboy passed guildmaster to Shammyman; I thought maybe Nerdboy was feeling down and hurt and reached out to him, but actually he seems to be in fine form, cracking snide little jokes about Mr. Obnoxious and pretty much acting quite normal. 

Biggie, having long loathed Nerdboy for his own reasons, is actually on Mr. Obnoxious’ side in this case (although he said “it’s like choosing sides between Al Qaeda and North Korea”).  Actually Biggie’s more swayed by the fact that he’d really counted on having Mr. Obnoxious’ DPS on his Ulduar team.  As his real-life sister I guess I should have more sympathy for Mr. Obnoxious, but to be honest I’ll probably miss his I-don’t-wanna-rub-it-in-your-face-but-whoa-I’m-like-so-much-better-than-you-all attitude the least of everyone.

Life rolls on…