I’m an Old Fart

I was re-reading my old blog and I think I used to be a lot more interesting before I got into WoW and this love business.  Old entry that made me shake my head:

 In S.E. Hinton’s The Outsiders, some boys get drunk and die, and one of their girlfriends despairingly reflects, “Why do people sell alcohol to kids?“  When I was little I read this and thought, “Yeah why, oh why would they do that?  It’s a terrible thing!”

When I went to 7-11 recently, I noticed these cute guys sitting outside staring at me.  As I’m leaving, one of them runs up to me.  I’m thinking he’s going to hit on me, which hasn’t happened in quite a while from a guy younger than 40, so I’m all mentally prepared to be flattered.  Instead he just asks if I’m 21 and can I buy them beer. 

Just like that, I am transformed from Young Susceptible Girl to Old Indulgent Criminal.

I automatically said okay because I remembered all those times, long ago back in the golden age of my lost youth, when my friends and I had done the same thing.  As the boys were excitedly counting out their money into my palm, pangs of conscience struck.  I remembered S.E. Hinton with a shock.  I realized, I have become one of those morally deprived adults she despised!!

Full of anguish, I stammered, “You guys aren’t… umm… Gonna drink and drive, are you?”  They looked shocked.  “No!” cried the little one earnestly, and the taller one’s facial expression said Certainly not!  Still I persisted.  “I hope you guys, ah, aren’t going to do anything dangerous.”  They were horrified that I would think such a thing, and fell over themselves assuring me this was not so.  Preposterous!  Perish the thought!

Anyway the deed was done.  I don’t know why I made such a big fuss, I mean it’s true that I did the same thing myself when I was underage and nothing too bad happened.  But still, if it’s going to cause me so much soul-searching, I think next time I’m just going to say I’m 19.  Telling such a terrible lie will also be painful for my honest soul, but I will bear it for the sake of greater morality.  Teehee.

Teehee indeed.  That was from when I was a budding 22-year-old.  Now at the grand old age of 26, I take special pleasure in disapproving of younguns and their antics.  I’m turning into my mother, who by the way is a straightlaced fundamentalist who glares stonily at girls on the street if their belly buttons are exposed (I’ve seen her do it!  She’s got quite the formidable iron-jawed stare, my mama!).  I like to Hmm! warningly at Babyfresh when he happens to curse on vent, because he’s the baby of the guild (17).  I love it that he actually apologizes HAHA, because our vent is actually a bilious cesspool of foul language from everybody else.  What a cutie pie!  Mm… yes… my age is not showing… Oh dear… Jumping Jehoshaphat!  I feel really old right now…

xD

Angry Man Redux

Biggie’s pissed off again, how shocking!  I’m guilty of 2 crimes this time:

1. I have a separate chat window for tells, which I keep up on the top left corner of my screen.  This was obscured when I opened the Auction House window, so I missed his tells.  After whispering me 4 times with no answer, he assumed I was ignoring him and got very upset, as is his wont when I don’t respond to him immediately.  Accordingly, he gave me the cold shoulder when I finally saw his tells and whispered him back.  Because not responding immediately to tells is a very good reason to get angry. 

2. Rumor has it Ulduar is going live TODAY!  Exciting, isn’t it?  However, I have a work event I need to attend and thus must stay at work until the usual 5PM, although on most days if needed I’m able to get out a bit earlier.  Biggie asked me to get out early today so we can hit Ulduar ASAP, I explained about the work meeting, he became extremely aggravated and insisted I leave early.  I can’t.

“You’re on a hot streak.”  Of pissing him off, he meant.  When I ventured to say, “I wish you were a little more understanding”, he shot back with “Well I wish you’d be more attentive!”  We’re really butting heads here because I swear, Internet, I’m more attentive to him than anyone else in my life, including my own MOTHER.  He’s blown up at me before for missing a tell of his, so since then I’ve just about broken my fingers making sure I type back to him instantly anytime he whispers me.  I’d like to say I’m on high alert to cater to his needs because I love him, but honestly it’s because I’m afraid he’ll lose his temper again.  Ain’t that somethin.

This issue about my job vs. his feelings may be escalating into something that will be very sad for me, either way.

Angry Man

So it’s come down to this.  Yesterday morning I had a big thing going on at work; Biggie knew this.  I couldn’t pick up when he called my Blackberry; I texted him to let him know that I was at the thing & couldn’t pick up the phone.  He called me a couple times more at 20minute intervals- I was still working so I had to ignore his calls.  At 11AM he called me twice in a row- figuring something was up, I excused myself and called him back.  He didn’t pick up, and continued to ignore my calls for the next few hours.  I texted him, you know, hey babe mybad I couldn’t get out of the thing, blah blah, are you mad?

“That’s a retarded fucking question.  Ask yourself this question: If I fucking knew you were in a photo shoot or whatever the fuck, why would I still fucking call you 10 times.  No, I deserve better than that.  If something so precious as to your job related shit called you, you wouldn’t have ignored it.  After getting ignored 10 times, I’m fucking fed up.  And no, you don’t put me on fucking hold like that.  Like I said, I wouldn’t call you 10 fucking times over bullshit if I knew you’d be busy like that.”

There is some exaggeration to his claims- He really only called me 5 times.  I texted him back right away after his first call explaining that I couldn’t pick up.  I really only ignored 2 of his calls, and after he called twice within a minute, I ran out immediately & called him back.  But anyway!  I did call him about 10 times after that, and texted him I’m sorry, there’s no one more important than you, etc. etc.  But he wouldn’t have any of it, he just wouldn’t pick up the phone.  So I stopped.

I don’t know how it’s become a common thing that he blows up on me while I’m at work.  It’s like he’s trying to sabotage my job.  He’s made it clear he wants me to quit, but I really can’t because I have to pay my family’s bills and debt.  If I quit, I need to at least secure another job first, ya know?  Momma didn’t raise no fool.  Especially in this economy.  Biggie says all the greatest things, like how he wants me to quit and follow my dream (writing), and not settle for a dead end job where people don’t appreciate me, how I can’t let fear and worries hold me back from following my goals, how I deserve so much more than that, etc.  That’s sweet & all, but he never had to worry about money.  Even after 5 months of unemployment, he’s doing fine with no worries.  For me, I can’t really afford to be unemployed for even a month.

That’s all beside the point now though.  The point really is… I can’t deal with his temper anymore.  I keep chanting Slow to anger, quick to forgive like a goddamn mantra, because that’s what real love should be like, no?  With him, it’s definitely the opposite- lightning-quick to lose his temper over anything & everything, and like a fucking pitbull with his anger, he will just not let go of it even after apologies, tears, attempts at reasoning, righteous indignation, etc.

Breaks my heart because when he’s gentle, he makes me love him so much!  I’m sure I’ve never felt this deeply for a boy before.  But he’s not gentle very often, more and more he’s just brutal and raging.  Unemployment frustration or whatever, I don’t really care too much anymore…  I love him but not enough to be victim to his temper for the rest of my life. 

……..or do I.   God, sometimes I could just kick my own ass.  “People only treat you as badly as you allow them to” <– I read that somewhere and it really stings.  Wtf.

Still confused, Internet.

Hallo Again

Long time no see, Blog.

 

WoW Updates:

-After a lengthy hiatus, I am back in WoW action

-Level 80 & somewhat geared

-Maxed out LWing & Enchanting

-In the same “casual friends” guild on the new server which has amazingly prospered and turned into a decent raiding guild! Of all people, one of my lowbie pals that I used to cart around Deadmines & Gnomer turned out to be one of the brainiest, most motivated, WoW-crazy gamers ever, and he really took charge of getting weekly raids together. I’m quite happy and everyone’s here: my brother, my RLF’s, Babyfresh (who became an officer btw), Snuffles, and of course Biggie.

 

RL Updates:

-Biggie and I are deeply involved

-The relationship is taking over my life and I have serious problems

-I don’t know if I’m happy

 

Biggie has a terrible temper.  He’s been unemployed for about 5 months now due to the economy (he was a real estate broker… the housing market crash & foreclosures killed him).  I think the unemployment is exacerbating his temper, he’s not naturally a lazy person so it really grates on him to not be making income, especially while I’m still doing my 9 to 5.  But… his stress all comes out… on me… and my life is becoming increasingly more difficult to bear.

Another thing I have to deal with is my own insecurity.  The more intense we get, the more anxious I feel about his… his Ex.  Let’s call her Barbie… Basically Biggie and I started dating less than a month after the end of his 2-year relationship with Barbie (his longest relationship ever).  I didn’t care much at first that he’d JUST got out of his most serious relationship, but the closer we get, the more it looms over my head.  When he blows up at something seemingly harmless I start to wonder, is this carry-over emotional baggage from a very nasty breakup?

We definitely rushed headlong into the relationship.  Within the first month, we’d exchanged the L-word.  A couple of months in, he talked about Our Future Together.  On New Year’s Eve, he told me his 2009 resolution was to propose to me and have me accept.  I was swept away and blissfully happy.

Then things started bothering me.  I’m pretty easy-going, so I was really just amused and accepting of his incessant demands for attention.  But, you know, after the initial honeymoon phase comes a time when you become a little less accepting of things and start standing your ground, and that’s when we just started fighting like crazy.  Over really trivial, ridiculous, laughable things.

One of our more recent fights, and I know this is going to sound supremely dumb, was because I battle-rezzed someone else.  Most of our fights are not over WoW, but this one was pretty unique. 

We were in our respective homes for once (I’m usually over his place) and we got in a 25-man Naxx.  I guess he was feeling possessive because we weren’t physically next to each other as usual, so he told me, “Don’t emote anyone but me tonight”.  Silly but kinda cute, so I ignored Babyfresh’s /cowers and Snuffles’ /hugs and focused my /loves and /cuddles only on Biggie.  I also tend to focus my heals on him, sometimes even over (I’m so bad) the main tank.

Things went okay until Thaddius.  Biggie died, and then Nerdboy (the raidleader & our best DPS) died.  I b-rezzed Nerdboy because… well, he’s a boomkin.  A druid, which means another b-rez.  I’ve always b-rezzed other druids first, as a general rule.  B-rez priority, for me, had always been 1. Other Druids, 2. Healers, 3. Best DPS.  Tanks, of course, shouldn’t be dead at all.  Anyway I guess I should’ve realized boyfriends come first… even if it means a 25-man wipe.  And I’m only being half-sarcastic about that.

I don’t know, Biggie got mad and gave me the silent treatment despite my apologetic friendly outreaches for the next 2 hours.  It’s very difficult for me to deal with it when he broods.  Kinda makes me feel like I’m groveling when he won’t get over it even after an hour of apologies.  When he finally did get over it and was ready to make up, unfortunately I chose that moment to finally grow a spine and lost a bit of my own temper.  Because, you see, it was so insufferable of him act as if he were being the magnanimous martyr, generously forgiving my hideous transgression of BREZZING ANOTHER DRUID INSTEAD OF A FURY WARRIOR.  After making me miserable about it for no less than 2 hours!  His points were: I should have b-rezzed him immediately after he died before Nerdboy did, and also there were 4 druids besides me who could have brezzed Nerdboy instead.  Valid points to a degree, but to carry so much anger over it despite my repeated apologies and attempts to make up, for TWO HOURS, I felt lower than a worm.  It makes me question him, and myself, and what is truly going on here.

Yeah, so.  I never know what will set Biggie off really, because you know what, there have been times when I’ve b-rezzed other people and he didn’t mind at all.  The unpredictability of his temper makes me feel as if I’m always walking on eggshells.  Some things he gets consistently angry about, like having guy friends post on my wall on Facebook, so I know to just stay away from them.  Other things, like emoting other people on WoW or saying Hello to coworkers while on the phone with him, are sometimes perfectly fine, other times heinous crimes!  So I’m constantly on edge not knowing if something’s okay or not.  This constant tension is making me a nervous, anxious, insecure person as the fights keep happening more and more frequently.  I keep fluctuating from a paranoid, groveling doormat to an angry, spiteful harpy!  I hate this!!!

Sounds awful doesn’t it?  Don’t get me wrong though, when things are good, they’re good.  It’s just when they’re bad… I know from personal family experiences that unemployment and financial worries can REALLY stress a man out and bring some bad stuff out of them that wouldn’t be there in normal circumstances, even moreso for Alpha-Male types.  The constant fighting and blowups, I’m thinking they stem a lot from the stress of his situation and possible carryover from his ugly breakup that he never really had a chance to get over.  Whatever the causes and factors, this crap keeps happening and I am going nuts trying to be understanding and choking down my defensive reactions and getting emotionally unstable in the process. 

 

I don’t know, Internet.  I’m so confused.

I’ve Gone Loopy

Q: What’s the difference between the Lurker & a piano?
A: You can’t tuna fish.

Harhar, yes I know that was painful.  You know what else is painful?  Being in LOOooOOoOoooOOoove~ Ahahaha okay I give you permission to skip this post & delete my blog from your reader forever in disgust.  Just me rambling about Biggie & feelings & junk…

What is love, anyway?  LOL, okay okay JUST KIDDING sheesh!  I’ll try to restrain this mushy crap.  Anyway, I’m not in love.  Just painfully in deep, insecure, contemplative, slightly unhinged like.  There’s a quote from a manga I read once that went something to the gist of, “Your smallest action has the power to create a typhoon in my heart.”  Corny huh?  But it’s true for me now.  When he reaches for my hand, I’m happy.  When he doesn’t text me every 10 minutes, like today, I feel sad.  And lonely.  And waves of insecurity come crashing down.  Who knew I was this weak? 

I have never been the needy type.  I like being independent enough that if a relationship happens to fall apart, I can walk away feeling okay.  I mean disappointed & sad maybe, but not devastated or seriously affected like that.  But here I am, all gloomy because today he’s not being his usual attentive “OMG I MISS YOU SO MUCH I NEED TO SEE YOU LIKE RIGHT NOWWWW” self.  My friend Princessa says it’s the end of the honeymoon stage & that’s reality.  No!  It can’t be the end of the honeymoon already!  I barely had time to enjoy it… Really?  Is that it?  Okay. 

Honestly, this is his fault.  You can’t shower attention on someone incessantly for three weeks then suddenly turn it off like that and expect her to not become a needy insecure little baby.  I had parameters, I complained about the constant texting, I resisted the nightly phone call marathons, it’s just not my thing, y’know?  But at his insistence we did it, and I got used to it, and now to be dropped like a sack of wet sand!  The despondency!  The utterly unasked-for bereftness!!  This completely unnecessary questioning of oneself!!!

Oh maybe my little tantrum was premature.  He just texted me.  :^D  Teehee.  Omg!!  You see?  YOU SEE??  My emotions have turned at the drop of a hat!  I’m a basket case!  This is sick!  Unhealthy!  Asking to be devastated!  Willing prostration upon the sacrificial altar when any smart Aztec would know to RUN AWAAAAAY~~~

Hehehe aww he’s so sweet. 

Biggie, you’ll never read this, but hey.  Look.  You have me in your palm.  Please be kind, okay?  I trust you.  I won’t tell you this yet, but I think I’m falling in love with you and it’s really scary.

Oh, L’Amour!

Biggie.  How can I describe him… He’s loud, offensive, macho, swaggers like some kinda gangster when he walks (oh my God), whines like a big overgrown baby, smells really good, says extremely mushy things to me, acts so immature but is really very understanding & even wise I think as far as knowing how to deal with people, and treats me with heartbreaking gentleness that moves me more because it’s so unexpected.  It’s not that I thought he’d be shallow at all, but it’s true that he carries himself like… some kinda… biker gang leader.  So brash and cocky and I’m-Lord-Alpha-Male that I never imagined the depths of his kindness.  He enjoys complaining and insulting and insisting he doesn’t give a damn, but he really goes out of his way to secretly take care of people while pretending he hates their guts.  I adore him. 

I’m trying to take everything that’s happening with a modicum of healthy umm whatstheword, stand-back-and-get-a-grip-ness, but it is really moving pretty fast.  It feels kinda surreal for me, to be casual WoW buddies with someone for a year or so, and suddenly we’re inseparable & have to see each other every day and be all mushy and stuff.  It’s been a few years since my last (and, incidentally, only) truly serious relationship.  I have to get back into the groove of wearing chapstick instead of lip gloss, and Oh Em Geeeee I need to go clothes shopping like RIGHT NOW, economy be damned!, and every time he looks at me I feel like I’m in a spotlight.  I should be more girly.  Need to wear more makeup & use more lotion & get a freakin haircut & get some nice new clothes & all that jazz.  Or I don’t.  Except the chapstick part.  Lip gloss is too sticky.  Teeheeheehee.  Omg I make my own liver quiver.

I server transferred to play with him.  All the other stuff that was so important just kinda receded now.  To be honest, neither of us have been playing much anyway, being too enthralled in the throes of mushy quivering lovey-doveyness.  Level 72 now.  Pathetic!  Babyfresh & 3 others are already 80 and badger me mercilessly about my absence in game, but my attentions have turned inexorably elsewhere…

I sent in game mail explanations, apologies, etc. to the guild officers & my friends on the old server, along with some Exotic pets.  My mail to Tyrande basically just said, you know, how much I admired her from what I’d read of her & how I’d looked forward to becoming one of her raiders, but RL issues & stuff made it impossible for me to carry out my previous intentions, & how I regretted the timing & wouldn’t have applied if I’d had any inkling of events, and lastly that I appreciated her willingness to try me out. 

All in all I did the best I could although I know it’s the lamest thing ever to get accepted into a highly exclusive guild & then just leave.  Even lamer to say it’s for a new boyfriend (I didn’t specify! :P).  The old me woulda cringed at this unprofessional-raider behavior.  The present me just sighs girlily and checks her cell for a new lovey-dovey text message.  O how the mighty have fallen.

Really Exciting Updates, Part Two

Let’s skip the Biggie talk til the end, since I’m gonna gush like a little girl & I”ll never get thru my supposed updates.

4. All My Friends Transferred Servers But I Stayed & Joined A New Guild- Yep that’s right.  Free server transfers were offered a couple of weeks before Wrath & everyone I regularly played/chatted with left: my brother, my RLFs, Biggie, Babyfresh, everybody. 

Can I be perfectly honest?  Yes I can since this blog is totally anonymous.  Good thing too, because… .  When they all told me they were gonna server transfer, my first thought was, Now I can apply to a real raiding guild!  Of course it’s sad & I admit I felt lonely when I first logged on after The Great Migration and I wasn’t bombarded with the usual wave of tells and group invites.  They threw everything from piteous pleas to very uncouth & barbaric threats at me in vent.  But beneath the guilt trips & lonely self-pity, my mind was already on my new guild application.  My raiding adrenaline once again started to flow.

Remember that guild that Angel had joined, that I hadn’t?  They’re one of the top raiding guilds on my server I guess, farming Sunwell & all.  Okay so, they have two leaders, both of whom I was not acquainted with at all.  However, upon checking out the other applicants’ threads, I was really impressed with the way one of the leaders is a friggin pitbull!  She rips applicants apart!!  Let’s call her… Tyrande.

So this one applicant had a pretty fluffy app, ending with a supremely random:

“On a slightly silly note…I love cars. I used to work at a Vw, Audi, Porsche dealership and oh yeah, I’m a girl. :)“

Tyrande responds with:

“What this application says to me:

1.) I have no interest in joining [TyrandeGuild]. In fact, I am so ambivalent about it that I have posted virtually identical information on the realm forums indicating my willingness to join any guild on any server.

2.) I think the fact that I am a girl is relevant to my skill as a player because I have none.

I expect a lot more from any applicant, particularly one “applying up” to a guild that is far past your gear and experience level. I need you to prove to me that you are worth my guild’s time investment to gear you up and teach you the fights to be remotely useful. And let me tell you, every single good female player I have ever met has been hesitant to reveal their gender until their skill had been demonstrated to their raid group. Either you’re incredibly naive about the lack of bias in raiding guilds or you think your gender is an asset to you in this forum. I’m not interested in either.”

Brutal!!!  I loved it!  It’s so different, you know, from my old guild.  I took over the recruiting officer position because they were just letting all those terrible undergeared slackers in, if you recall.  Tyrande is what I tried to be, albeit I was newb & tried to temper my comments because Mom believed in giving everybody a chance, even if all evidence pointed to their ineptitude.  Looking through all of Tyrande’s responses to previous applicants, I was completely awed.  I think her judgment is pretty similar to mine, but she doesn’t use my sympathetic pats & send-them-away-with-cookies type of bull.  She’s just simple, direct, and ultimately much kinder than I am with my pseudo-niceness.  You know, if I’m Valentine Wiggin and my brother is Peter Wiggin, Tyrande is the Ender.  What? You haven’t read Ender’s Game?  Whatchu waitin for?

Anyway, so I put in my own app and waited for my turn through the grill.  I was also “applying up” as she put it, as I have never been in Sunwell (except for trash, which doesn’t count!) or even cleared BT (8/9), and compared to all their members I’m sorely undergeared.  Also, they already have two really ridiculously superlative resto druids.  In all honesty, I expected a rejection but I just wanted to see what she’d think of my app.  Y’know how like Bean wanted so badly to have Ender’s good opinion?  Ahem I digress…

You know what, I didn’t really count on Angel to vouch for me because although we’re great friends, he’s one of those people who tend to criticize rather than praise.  Actually I was kinda-sorta dreading that he was going to say something like, “She’s average but she has a problem with A, B, and C but if she works on those she might be alright.”  Instead, the little angel wrote:

“I raided with [druidchick] in my previous guild and she was a phenomenal restoration druid. I don’t think I seen anyone who loved to raid as much as she does. She always came to raid on time and prepared with the necessary consumables, not only for herself, but for others also.”

I was happy because I knew he meant it, and because he’s never complimented me before LOL.  Thanks Angel!  Soon after that came the post I was waiting for.  Tyrande wrote:

“Your app is exactly the kind of response that I look for. It’s a lot more difficult to find good players than it is to find geared players, and if you live up to your talk, I think we can definitely find a spot for you. “

She didn’t even grill me!  No 100 questions!  No gauntlet!  I’ve never seen her respond to an application so kindly & unsuspiciously,  It was really encouraging.  I got a guild invite that night and so here I am.

The terrible thing is that right after I got in, I’ve been offline & unavailable until today.  Actually even today I won’t be online (Biggie!).  So Tyrande hasn’t actually been able to see me in action, or even talk to me.  I hope they chalk it down to Wrath adjustments.  This weekend at least I’m gonna grind the hell out, if Biggie doesn’t distract me too much, and I’ll get a chance to talk with Tyrande & the other leader and really show them I wasn’t all talk in my app.

Sooo moving on, yea Obama won, hurray, and I went to Cancun, godsister got married, it was lovely and fantastic except I got sick & couldn’t play WoW after just getting into a brand-new guild.  Boohoo.

LOL Okay so done with the updates.  Now!  Let’s move back to Biggie shall we?  Girl in the throes of blossoming new lo.. lo… like.  Please bear with.

…………..Oh, Em, GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~!!!!  It’s so unfair to pile work on someone on a Friday afternoon like this.  Okay, Biggie discussion will have to wait til next week.  Probably a good thing, cos this post is long enough as it is.  So, uh, later Internet!  Duty calls.  D:

Really Exciting Updates, Part One

Short Version:

• Cancun, Mexico- godsister’s wedding (my 1st time in Mexico, 2nd time outside of the good ol’ U.S. of A.)
• Obama Era Begins (for those of you who’ve been living under a rock [well it will begin come January {and YES I VOTED FOR HIM, OH YES I DID}])
• All My Friends Transferred Servers But I Stayed & Joined A New Guild
• I Kinda Like Biggie & I Think He Kinda Likes Me
• I Got Really Really Really Sick
• NaNoWriMo means National No-novel Writing Month for me…

Long Version:

1. NaNoWriMo- Sighhh yeah, I guess I just had too much on my plate.  I did exactly 2 days and about 3,000 words of NaNoWriMo before getting overwhelmed with Other Stuff.  On the bright side, it’s really a personal type of commitment to begin with & I honestly seriously swear-to-God will try to do it in January.  I will! 

2. Since we’re working backwards… OMG I got SO sick this weekend!  On the plane flying back from Mexico, I puked.  Fortunately, I made it to the bathroom.  Unfortunately, I randomly chose to throw up in the sink rather than the toilet.  I don’t want to be crude and disgusting so I won’t describe how it sat in a lumpy orange pile with chunks in it, but anyway it refused to be washed down the drain.  I’m so sorry, JetBlue cleaning staff.  Then I puked again as I was disembarking the plane, but luckily I had a garbage bag clutched in my clammy hand, donated by an otherwise spectacularly unhelpful and unsympathetic flight attendant (“Don’t come near me!”  Thank you, ma’am, for that ray of comfort and kindness during a truly painful & scary moment).  Then I proceeded to throw up in the car (in another bag that smelled strongly of shoe), and at home in a garbage can next to my good old bed for the next 14 hours.  I even threw up water.  And bile, and my stomach & spleen & intestines & liquified insides.  I hate throwing up, but I usually feel relieved when I do because I know it’s out of my system.  No such relief on Friday-Saturday.  Honestly though, looking back, I think I was incredibly clean and neat and considerate throughout my upchuck marathon.  Except the airplane sink-instead-of-toilet part. 

Anyway!  I’m kinda-sorta better now although still weak and fluttery from lack of innards; I’m back at work (hence the blogging, don’t you admire my work ethic?) and now it’s onto the Biggie part.  Oh boy…

3. Biggie & I are really different but he makes me laugh a hella lot so I like him.  I don’t know if you guys remember the problems I had with the Golf Guy, a.k.a. Mr. Nothing-in-Common?  Biggie’s also very different from me (there’s WoW, but he likes PVP & I’m all about PVE so does it really count??), but this relationship may have more of the opposites-attract kinda thing going on than Golf Guy & I did.  But having such different lifestyles & backgrounds & mindsets is still pretty scary.  Excerpts from our illuminating second date:

“Omg I read the most awesome quote, listen to this: ‘Rosa Parks sat so Martin Luther King Jr. could walk.  King walked so Obama could run.  Obama’s running so our children can fly!‘“  (\(*.*)/)
“…”
“Come on, you don’t think that’s sooo uplifting?”
“You’re making my liver quiver.”
“Omg how can you say that!”
“It sounds like an elementary school poem.  Some fifth grade kid write that?  Where’d you read it?”
“New York Times… asshole.”
“Oh now you’re cursing at me?  Why’re you cursing at me?  You know what, you got a mouth like a sailor!”

This is how he initiates brilliant conversation:

“So say we’re married right. And I come home, and you cook me some soup. However, say that soup is too hot and I burn myself. So then I take off my belt and beat you with it.  What would you learn from this lesson?”

Prince Charming huh?  But ya know what, he really does charm me.  Consciously there are some things that don’t sit with me the right way, like when I told him the Spartan-giving-uppage-of-bus-seat story and he proceeded to earnestly coach me in his own method of, “You never make eye contact.  Ever.  Close your eyes and pretend you’re sleeping.”  And I gotta wonder, Is he just kidding?  Because it’s really hard to tell when he’s kidding & when he’s serious.  I guess if he’s serious about these things I’m in big trouble… but I don’t think he is. 

“Okay look.  You know everything I said tonight, I wasn’t serious right?”
“Yea, I guess so.”
“No really.  For some reason, I just wanted to disagree with everything you said.  I wanted to piss you off.  And admit it, you were pissed.”
“No I wasn’t…”
“Yea I thought you were gonna throw that cup of coffee at me!  I was scared for my life!”
“No I would never-”
“You cursed at me, you yelled at me, you were all up in my face about to throw coffee on me!”
“…”

Now I don’t want to reccommend this particularly offensive brand of boorishness as a surefire way to talk to girls, or even to me.  But something about Biggie’s way of saying this stuff just makes me laugh.  He assured me that my recent bout of Puke-Until-You-Die was really a case of “omgimissbiggie-itis”, and it’s really cute how he texts me first thing in the morning with “Tell the truth you miss me don’t you? Omg can you stop thinking about me.”

Alright well, today was actually busier & I did more work than it looks from this blog.  It’s time for me to go home now but I’m not done, so stay tuned for Part Two tomorrow.  Tonight’s Date #3 with Biggie so may have some more choice tidbits from Prince Charming to appall you with as well.  Hey I like that, maybe his new nickname will be Prince Charming.

Updates on my excitingly timid life

Hey so I just heard that the Hand of A’dal title is still available if you were on the last part of the quest when 3.02 hit!  ZOMG!!!  Now I just have to find a raid that will take me……..

…which might not be that difficult!!  Ever since the patch hit, I’ve been having amazing luck pugging T5+ raids!  And what’s more, I’ve gone farther with these pugs than I’d ever gone with a guild!  I’ve now completely cleared TK (Kael’thas was cake!  Cake!), got Archimonde down to 65%, and *ahem* cleared 8/9 bosses in Black Temple.  Seeing Illidan for the first time was a bit of a surprise (he’s a lot shorter in person ain’t he?), but still very exhilarating.  You know I always felt sorry for poor Illy… he ain’t evil at all, just misunderstood & really he was the one that got wronged by everyone!  Locked up for so long and all he wanted to do was save his people…  I feel your pain Danny…

xD  Right so anyway, I gotta tell ya, the BT fights were soooo fun.  I especially had a blast during the Bloodboil, Reliquary & Illidari Council fights.  Mother Shahraz- not so much.  Wutta beach!

I almost feel though that we sped through it all so fast & easily that I didn’t get the chance to thoroughly understand the fights.  I used to be really diligent about preparing for new fights by studying strats and watching videos and all that, but I admit those days have passed and lately I’ve just been lazily winging it.  Mostly cos I don’t expect to raid and when I do get in a T6 pug it’s always a random chance opportunity.  To make up for it I listen really hard when the pug leaders explain the fights instead of zoning out (maybe it’s because they’ve explained it so many times, but it often seems that when raidleaders go into Explanation mode their voices automatically go into a deadpan monotone, causing the listeners to go into Math-class-after-lunch-period mode).  Despite it all, I guess I did okay… the only time I notably messed up was in the Mother Shahraz fight (there was a thunderstorm and I got disconnected during the explanation and they didn’t wait for me to log back in before pulling!  Note all the petulant italics expressing my acute displeasure.  QQQQQQQ!!!!). 

Anyway!  So that’s what’s been going on in my life.  My WoW life, anyway.  IRL, hmm you know who’s been kinda sorta insinuating himself into my head these days?  Biggie!  You might’ve noticed his being mentioned here and there in my blog before, but although we’re acquainted in real life (I think I’ve known him distantly since about third grade!), we actually only got to really know each other and became good friends through WoW lol.  Lately he’s taken to texting me constantly throughout the day, and today he kinda-sorta asked me to hang out on Halloween (“Okay how about this. If u don’t feel like going crazy and u have no plans, lets hang out then.”).  Actually I was invited to a couple of parties but I hadn’t planned on going, since I have stuff to do the next morning (I get tired easily these days… another sign of my aging, alas).  But!  Um.  I dunno… I guess I’m nervous.  So I think I’ll go out to one of the parties after all!!  Hehe. 

I had a friend who once admonished me, “I hate girls who play mind games!  Just be straight!”  It jarred me.  I never thought I was playing games… is this a game?  I just get nervous & sometimes I don’t know what I really want, myself.  I don’t want to hang out with Biggie alone.  The party doesn’t sound too bad, and I like dressing up in costumes anyway… Yea this is just an excuse.  I’d probably have fun at the party but I couldn’t really care less if I skipped it.  I dunno.  I really just kinda was thinking about staying home & playing WoW… I dunno what Biggie would wanna do if we “hung out”…

The Lady, the Mouse and the Spartan

Usually when the driver says, “No more seats”, people don’t board the express bus.  The aisles are extremely narrow & basically if you don’t get a seat, it means you’re standing for an hour and a half without the poles & straps that are on local buses. 

The other day, however, it was rush hour & people boarded anyway.  This tired-looking old lady came to stand a little in front of my aisle seat.  I reached automatically for my bag and tensed to get up & offer her my seat… but then I froze. 

You know, I have a problem: I am a fucking mouse!  I’m so fucking timid…  Why did I freeze?  Stage fright?  Did someone glance my way and scare me?  Was it subconscious reluctance to suffer standing for an hour and a half?  I don’t know.  In any case I hesitated for a couple of seconds, and then it was too late to make it naturally smooth.  She stuffed her bag in the overhead compartment and turned her back to me.  Sitting, I was eye-level with her butt.  Thoughts kept going through my head like, Do I pat her leg?  Tug her shirt?  It was beyond my limited courage to make noise to get her attention.  By the time I got my act together (I’ll just tap her on the back!), it was like 5 minutes later and I had a whole new set of timid anxieties to sweat over.  If I ask her now, isn’t it weird?  It’s really late now!  Why didn’t I do it immediately?  Maybe I’ll just sit…  She’s wearing comfortable-looking shoes… Omg I’m such a coward!  Gotta do it.  Wait, at the next light… Now!  Omg, why didn’t I do it??

It was so pathetic!  I sat staring at her with burning eyes for about 15 minutes, my face a rictus of anguished lameness.  I probably could’ve gone on in this pathetically sad way for the rest of the ride & then gotten off all ashamed and disgusted with myself, but in the middle of my stupid useless inner turmoil… I remembered the Spartans.

In my Wikipedian adventures, I once came across a passage in the entry about Sparta that made a big impression on me.  Namely, this part:

“An elderly man was trying to find a place to sit and observe the Olympic Games, as he went to each section. All the other Greeks laughed as he tried to make his way through. Some ignored him. Upon entering the Spartan section all the Spartans stood and offered the elderly man their seats. Suddenly the entire stadium applauded. All the Greeks knew what was the right thing to do, but the Spartans were the only ones who did it.”

Well.  That pretty much closed the deal.  It was funny- with that single thought, all my worries & paralyzing timidity just abruptly got crushed under the weight of ”AM I A SPARTAN OR NOT???”  Heart pounding but with newfound courage, I reached up and tapped her on the back, gestured at my seat & mouthed silently, “YUWANNASIDDOWN?”

Mm. 

Well…

She said no.

I managed to press her like, “Are you sure?”  <– vocally this time.  She was sure.

In hindsight I probably should’ve just gotten up anyway, because honestly, no one would prefer to stand.  But at the time I just acquiesced and sat back, face burning, a little trembly inside, pretty mortified and dejected (after all that!), but still glad.  Glad that I wouldn’t have to slink home knowing I’m a jerk.  Might’ve been 15 minutes late but I still did the right thing in the end! 

It really was all worth it cos at the end of the ride as she was getting off, she came back to me and thanked me again really nicely, embarassing me more but making me feel happy too.  I think next time though I’ll just get up without saying anything, cos then they can’t refuse.

Not to get all self-righteous or anything cos Lord knows all my internal drama wasn’t necessary either, but one thing that sticks in my mind is the two guys on the other side of the aisle.  Well-dressed young businessmen in their 30’s, chatting with each other and playing with their Blackberries.  Never even looked up.  You know… even if you’re rich and successful and fit and got it all, if you can sit all comfortable and carefree with a tired old lady standing right next to you for an hour and a half, you’re actually pretty worthless aren’t you?  Meh I guess I sound pretty preachy for a mouse… but you know what?  I’m a Spartan mouse.  And that is just fine with me.  <=]