Breaking Free

It’s done.  Feeling nervous… shaky… relieved but apprehensive… freer but a little bit miserable… insecure and anxious… Will I be okay?

I know I’m going to feel lonely.   In WoW & RL.   Nobody constantly texting me during the day or getting me big containers of antipasto from the best deli on earth.   Nobody to farm Sethekk Halls with for the raven mount anymore.   Nobody to exchange snarky tells with when the pug raidleader proves insane.   Nobody to engage huge flame wars on my behalf when loot gets ninja’ed from me in a pug.   Nobody to make me Northern Stews for the cooking daily because I never did the quest for that recipe.   Nobody making me grovel and apologize for things I don’t feel are offenses.   Nobody’s temper I have to worry about setting off.   Nobody I have to check in with or report to.   Nobody I have to worry about, and nobody who will care about me, either.  It’s bittersweet. 

I’ll miss the closeness of being with someone.   But I’ll get over it. 

In the coming weeks, in case I have doubts, I’m going to record his last words to me for posterity & conviction:

I’ll never forgive you for this. Ever.  Ever.
You are a selfish, self-righteous fuck.
From this moment on, you mean nothing to me. Nothing.
You are nothing but a fucking chickenshit coward.

I’ll be okay.

Despair, Anger, and Wishful Thinking

Before I started dating Biggie, I’d been single for… oh, about 5-6 years.  During that time, I never felt lonely.  Not once.  I even hermited at times for months on end, and never felt depressed or alone.  In fact, reading backlogs of posts from this month last year, I seem to have been quite happy, creative, and enthusiastic about stuff in my long singlehood.

Right now… Our lives are so entwined I feel smothered.  I can’t go to the bathroom at work without him knowing about it.  Did you know that it’s possible be so closely involved with someone, so horribly co-dependent, and still feel awfully helplessly lonely? 

I never thought. 

My friend Honey told me, “Can you imagine a life full of these trivial arguments?  What if something really serious were to happen?  Women need a dependable guy… cuz then you’re just all on your own, aren’t you?“ 

***

I didn’t write about this but… a couple of weeks ago… we broke up.  Again.  This time though, he dumped me.  Over the phone, while I was at work.  Reason: Well he said there were a lot of emotional things going on but from my perspective, the situation was this: I went into the subway to buy a new Metrocard.  My hands were full because I was juggling a coffee, my bag & my wallet.  He called me as I was waiting on line; with my hands full I couldn’t pick up.  He continued to call me nonstop but it was a good 5 minutes before I got out of the subway and could finally pick up. 

“Why the fuck don’t you answer my calls?  You know I fucking hate it when you ignore me!“ 
“Whoa! I’m really sorry, I was in the subway & my hands were full…” 

That was my first mistake.  I was so taken by surprise by his flare of temper that I automatically apologized, out of courtesy! or something stupid like that, but that startled automatic apology really bit me in the butt later on… He continued to rage at me for about a good hour until I started getting very upset, myself.  I demanded that he apologize for the unreasonableness of his attack, but then his argument became, “You apologized to me already, so you admitted you were in the wrong.  Why are you flipping it now and asking me for an apology?  If you didn’t think you were wrong, you shouldn’t have apologized.  Make up your fucking mind.”  It drove me almost hysterically upset, that kind of “logic”…  After a while he did apologize, but by then I was subdued & depressed.  To change the subject, he started joking around with me, but I couldn’t respond to his teasing because I was feeling so bleak and shaky.  Then he lost his temper with my non-responsiveness and said, “You know what, fuck this. I’m done. Do you understand?  I’m done!”

Honestly after all that spontaneous unexpected drama, I felt more relief than anything else.  I felt almost happy, I mean I knew that later on down the road I’d start to feel hurt & regretful & need some time to heal, but at that moment I felt free and much lighter of heart.  I went on with my day, did NOT cry at my desk, went home quietly, called up an old friend, read a good book, had a good night’s sleep.  Woke up alone but not lonely.  Felt hopeful about the future even, despite the shattering of one dream. 

It was good until the following night, when he called me up at 2AM ranting & screaming & cursing me out for not contacting him and trying to get him back.  At that point I was almost completely detached & viewing it from the distance of someone who’s already stepped out of the frame.  Something’s clearly wrong with this picture- you don’t abruptly dump someone on the phone while they’re at work then wake them up a couple nights later raging at them for not chasing after you!  So I behaved pretty coolly, but not coldly, because after 7 inseparable months I felt like I owed him some compassion.  Maybe compassion’s overrated though, because it made him think that the next day he could show up to my house & demand that I come out & see him.  Little Miss Stupid eventually did go out, got in his car, got in his HOUSE, got in his ARMS, and got back on this rollercoaster.

Something else that’s bothered me recently… He told his friends he wishes I would go out more, had more friends, and that I wasn’t such a homebody!  I was really flabbergasted that he would give this impression to people… I ask for space all the time.  We’ve had very demoralizing fights because he wouldn’t give me time to even go through my mail after getting home before he’d be honking at my door.  We had horrible struggles over the fact that I felt that seeing him every single day was overwhelming; each alone-day I managed to wrangle from him, I had to pay for, emotionally & physically, for the rest of the week.  If he ever asked for a guys’ night out, dude I would push him out the door with both hands and a headbutt.  I refused to give him my work number for a long time because I didn’t want him to incessantly bother me at work, which since giving in, he has indeed been doing.  It’s true that I’ve become isolated from most of my friends… because everytime I brought them up or suggested a double-date or even wanted to lunch with one who works near me, there was tension with him.  It really hurt that after kicking & screaming for more space & having to give way most of the time, losing touch with most of my friends & even my family under his influence, he’d go and give everyone the opposite impression.  This is the kind of thing that’s making me feel mentally unstable. 

***

Ugh, all this Biggie-bashing.  There are good moments, and he’s still one of the funniest & most charismatic people I know.  I just had a lot of things built up inside.  Hehe I just came back from a good lunch can you tell from the change in tone?  I’m not bipolar, really!  :P 

I don’t know!  My motto is, “If It Doesn’t Kill Ya, Let It Go“.  Except when it’s, “QQ To The Internet Because You’re A Doormat“.  Sorry, Internet.  Thanks for being my anonymous support system.  It’s just… When things are bad, they’re horrible.  When things are good, I try to hold onto the calm for as long as possible because… because I love it when we’re not fighting.  I wish, for the millionth time, that magically the temper & neediness & insecurity would go away.

Disintegrating Me

Well blog it’s been quite a while, I bet you barely recognize me anymore.  However, I predict we’ll be getting real friendly again real soon… Cos it’s no longer a question of why, but how.  And when.

Read about TJ’s engagement today.  While I’m happy for her & Phil, can’t lie it brought me some stabs of sadness.  Cos see, I always felt this kinship with TJ…  She’s like my brotha from anotha motha ya nah mean?  In that queer Internet-lurker way, I felt really close to her, like she’s me in an alternate dimension with the same age, same bad habits, same likes & dislikes, etc.   But now it kinda feels like… damn my twinnie made the most awesome choices in life & she’s reaping the shiny rewards: great guy, happy relationship, big dog!, great move, stay-at-home job goddammit, happy life.   And I… made some that… are making me… miserable.  Cos I am indeed miserable, and lonely, and feel like a failure, and reading about TJ’s happiness with Phil makes me teary for the wrongest & most self-pitying reasons.   I am glad for them though, and in the end it motivates me to get my stupid life back on track.

I have to say goodbye to Biggie.  I have to.  It has been, all told, the most unhealthiest relationship of my life.  Going in, I was somewhat proud and confident of myself as a smart, easy-going, uncommonly cool girl…  Coming out, I’m insecure as shit, prematurely aged, soul-jaded, smoking like a chimney, swearing like a sailor, and I feel dirty & cheap & stupid & mentally unbalanced.  Like I’m hanging by a thread.  Talking to my old friends once in a while, I feel this pretense going up that was never there before… *act happy & breezy, smile, laugh, crack a joke, tease, good job now calm the fuck down please just be quiet*.  Who is this person?  I don’t know who I am anymore.  Some fake bitch who’s gonna grow up to be a desperate housewife.  No, I really need to get out of here.

Unpleasant Revelation

Now Internet, there’s a quote somewhere that goes something like this: “The only person who can see the whole picture is the one who’s already stepped out of the frame.”  Probably there are many meanings behind that but anyway the point is, I can’t tell what’s up or down anymore when Biggie & I argue.  Am I right, am I wrong, am I being manipulated and deceived, am I being hysterical and unfair, I don’t know anything anymore.

Yes.  It’s bad again.  But… in a different way.

You know, there are many things I admire about President Obama.  Such as… how he is open to having discourse with everyone, even if people disagree with him.  Not exactly “negotiating with terrorists”, but like allowing everyone to at least say their piece; even if at the end you’re not going to agree, at least you don’t make a decision based on only one part of the story.

It seems like an important thing to learn to do.  Even if I think Biggie is sooooooo wrong, and I am soooooooo right, to at least be able to listen to his perspective with an open mind.  And it is grasping onto this thought that I’ve been going into the fray this time around…

Things have changed in weird ways.  He’s been saying that I’ve been emotionally abusing him.  “You know sometimes you see a gorgeous girl with an ugly guy?  The girl doesn’t know she’s beautiful because the guy keeps telling her she’s disgusting and horrible.  He breaks her self-esteem down so she’ll stay with him, and eventually she gets so brainwashed that she feels like he’s doing her a favor by being with her.  That is what you do to me.“  …I’m mentally breaking him down so he feels desperate, is what he’s saying.  <:o !  ?  !

His point, and his biggest hurt, is that I make him feel like an asshole.  It drives him crazy, he says, that I always seem to expect the worst of him.  I think of him as a monster, he says, and it makes him feel utterly helpless. 

Internet.  What can I say?  I never thought I treated him poorly.  I never thought I did anything ego-crushing.  All I thought about was his temper,  the way he treated me.

Re-reading these blogs, re-reading my private journal, it does clearly portray him as a jerk.  If I were a stranger reading it all, I would think he’s a big prick. 

So I’m feeling guilty now.  When he says these things, I recoil & wonder at myself.  Am I really emotionally abusive?  Do I paint myself as a victim, and twist his words around to make him feel guilty and punish him?  Am I responsible for making him feel horribly insecure?

Since this issue came up, I’ve been spending a lot of time in self-reflection.  I have tried to be brutally honest in assessing my own character… I think I do have an occasional tendency for melodrama and I often let my anger come out in passive-aggressive ways instead of open confrontation.  I may have a bit of a martyr syndrome in me.  I “forgive” easily, but even if I consciously believe I’m not holding a grudge, resentment might be secretly buried in there for an awfully long time.  Which might in turn come out in subtle jabs that end up cornering him into feeling like a monster.

GRrrraraerwwafdaskjfa;g!!  I don’t know.  I’m shaken.  I’m trying to see his perspective and I’m appalled at the way he feels, but then in the next moment I think, “But I’m not like that.  This is wrong.” 

My self-analysis did come up with the stuff above, but at the bottom line, whether it’s true to others or not, I sincerely believe I’m generally an understanding and compassionate person.  Even if I’m not reasonable all the time, I am not a histrionic, manipulative drama queen. 

But if we both feel mistreated by the other, well.

Maybe we just bring out the worst in each other.  I don’t know.

Needs more thought.

E-Sniggerettes

On a recent trip to Jersey Gardens, Biggie and I wandered over to the E-cigarette booth.  I’d read articles about the wonders of e-cigarettes before (plus my preferred brand is now $10.50 a pack in New York City), so we were excited to see the thing in action.  Unfortunately, the salesperson was spectacularly uninterested in selling his product, and his marketing efforts were limited to monosyllabic answers to our inquiries.  We walked away supremely underwhelmed and none the wiser about the product.

“Wow, he was unhelpful.”
“Yeah!  He was, like, all burnt out…”
“Yeah…”
“You’d think he’d have lit up at seeing potential customers…”
“…Yeah.”
“Where was his burning drive to make a sale?”
“…Mm.”
“There was no spark of enthusiasm!”
“Are you done?”
“Maybe.”
“Okay-”
“Most salesmen puff up at seeing a potential customer!”
“…”
“…Yeah I’m done.”
“Thank you for that. Okay now-”
“He was a real jack-ash, wasn’t he.”

Sorry.  I know it hurts, butt it’s like a bad habit.  I’m addicted.  If my puns tarnish his brain, he’ll just have to try to filter it out of his hearing.

Y’all take care now.

A Woeful Night but Lo, a Guiding Star Shineth

So last night we brought in six new recruits to Heroic Ulduar.  Two performed excellently, one was average, two were in need of improvement, and one was gkicked for turning out to be one of those persistently clueless bumblers.  Of course you make allowances for someone’s first time, but I think that if you continue to fail for 3 attempts by making the same mistakes over and over again, and even go so far as to raise your voice to the raidleader and get all lippy (“I know, I know!  I know what the skull over my head means, okay!“) while wiping the raid, it’s fair to write you off as a bad egg.  I’m just happy that our officers aren’t hesitant or wishy-washy about kicking people like that. 

We only got Flame Leviathan, Razorscale and Deconstructor down.  All in all it was the worst Ulduar run we’ve ever had.  Our shortage of viable tanks is really hurting us.  Snuffles is an excellent main tank, but we really need better off-tanks.  Right now we’re using DPSers who’ve dual-specced but are unaccustomed-to and reluctant with tanking.  Which means adds were gambolling amongst the healers & dps.  LF good tanks plz.  If I sound a little bitter it’s because, well, I was slapped around all night by iron constructs.  >>>:^[

On the bright side, I got the healing mace.  Woot.  And a ring.  Yays. 

We use the EPGP system for loot, which I honestly feel is the best loot system I’ve personally experienced since everyone can see exactly who it’s gonna go to, where they stand in the priority line and why… but I guess nothing with loot will ever be drama-free.  We’ve got this one rogue who is one of our top DPSers but regrettably has developed a very poor attitude- he doesn’t want to waste repair bills fighting bosses that don’t drop anything he wants.  So he doesn’t bother coming in until we’re onto a boss that he wants.  Like if we happen to start up a Naxx run, he says quite reasonably, “Invite me when you get to Kel’Thuzad.”  And what’s more, he’s started a campaign against the EPGP system because we recruited a new rogue who will, in a few raids, be a viable contender for the same loot.  Very regrettable attitude.

Kind of a Rant

The other day I was on my hunter when I got this random tell from a fellow low-level:

“How do I get a pet?”
“You have to get the quest from your class trainer.”
“Where’s my class trainer?”
“Over that way.”
“Okay thanks.”
“Wait wait wait. Hang on.”
“?”
“You’re a druid.”
“…?”
“Only hunters get pets.”
“Oh… I don’t get a pet?”
“No.”

At this point, Biggie leaned over and read the exchange on my screen, and fell off his chair howling. He whispered the guy from his own character, “LEARN YOUR CLASS NOOB!” I was a little mad, like breach of privacy! don’t bully him just cos he’s new to the game!, but shouldn’t have bothered cos the guy whispered Biggie back, “What’s my class?”  No “who are you” or “why are you, a random stranger, telling me this“. However, what he lacked in curiosity, he made up in helplessness. Complete and utter helplessness, like a baby turtle just rolling around on its back.

“Your class is a druid.”
“What’s a druid?”
“You get to shapeshift.”
“How do I do that?”

It was actually a tiny (TINY) bit endearing in a maternal-instinct way, but seriously it brings me to my real point: Some people are just persistently clueless. I think you really need some small, teeny, itsy-bitsy modicum of intellectual curiosity to be successful- in real life and, more importantly, in WoW. (…kidding…)   It’s not a crime to be a noob, everyone has a first time, but to get to level 15 and learn for the first time that you are not a hunter but, in fact, a druid?  Hm. 

Our guild has been recruiting and it’s been going very well- I find our recruitment standards infinitely better than how it was in my old guild. People who are undergeared but good players who are willing to take the time and effort to get better *on their own*, are so much more desirable than people who have epic gear yet somehow manage to do less damage than folks in blues.  I like people who are like, “What do I need to do to up my dps?” and you say, “Go read your class mechanics on the forums” and they’re like “Okay!” and show up to the next raid with 1k more dps. That’s just awesome.  Then you have the bumbleheads who are like, “How do I get better?” and you’re like, “Go read the forums” or even simply “Armory this guy and copy his spec” and they’re like “Lalala reading sucks” and continue to do the same crappy rotations with the same crappy specs while everyone else in the raid gets better and better.  Way to fail, person!  Some people seem to expect guild officers to hold their hands through every little thing in the game… It’s one thing to ask class officers for advice and opinions on specs & whatnot, but it’s very lazy to depend on them to explain every single thing and never do any research yourself.  Srsly.

NEwayz, my time is up~ I’m gonna make like a resto druid and leave!  Ohoho… have I already used that one?  I’m gonna hearth… wow lame… I’m gonna… go home…

Life Rolls On

I don’t want to precipitously make any new statements on the Biggie front, so sidestepping that topic for now.  Later, when things are clearer.  For now, let me tell you what y’all really need to hear:

What do you call a bunch of druids in the moonwell? 
A HoT tub.

Ohohoho!  Yea that’s probably old, but my friend hit me with it for the first time yesterday.  :D  You like it!  Oh yes you do!

Spent some time with the fam last night, for the first time in a while.  My mom gave me a cucumber facial!  Haha okay let me make it clear, I’m not a facial-type of person.  I mean, yes I have been blessed with a face, but what I mean is I don’t usually put stuff on it to, like, “exfoliate“, or “revitalize“, and the only “rejuvenating” I do is in Tree form (HAHA if you didn’t smell that coming you’re just terribad!!) (…I’m sorry… I know… I’m the one that’s terribad…). 

Focusing!  Right, so last night my mother, seeing the puffy eyes & sallow skin & grief-etched lines on my prematurely-(rav)aged face, decided that what I needed was a cucumber facial!  I was too sapped and listless to object, so I threw myself despondently on the sofa and let her have her fresh-vegetable way with me.  Can I just say, for a non-facial person, facials rock!  It was actually my first, and oh my did it feel good.  Cold wet vegetable on burning hot red eyes, oh sweet heaven, all I can say is it’s quite a pity that Grom Hellscream didn’t try out cucumber facials, it would have made his fight to the death with Mannoroth so unnecessary.

Also in attendance last night was my brother, a.k.a. Mr. Obnoxious.  After having left the guild so huffily, he decided he’d had enough of WoW and all its dramatic travails and turned to other, more fulfilling pursuits… like Left 4 Dead and Portal!  Last night I watched him play Portal for a while…  Now I’ve always considered myself quite the bright little bulb when it comes to puzzles or riddle-quest type of things, but wow!, Portal’s no joke.  After an hour of slack-jawed staring at him shoot blue portals and orange portals and build “momentum” and point “sparks”, I still don’t get it.  My bulb… seems to be… quite dim really… Oh how it hurts to face the truth about yourself… It was great spending time with my brother though, I’d forgotten how funny he was.  Wait, did I say funny?  I mean obnoxious!  I was bragging about something, I forget what, gloating about Ulduar progress probably, when he suddenly started frantically patting his pockets.  “Medals!  Where are my medals!“  Rude… xD  I did miss him.

Life rolls on, Internet!  Did you know that?  Yes indeed it’s true.  Life rolls on… inexorably… sadly… unbelievably… iwishitwouldn’t… life just rolls the fuck on.  Thank God!

New Beginning…?

Thanks all, for bearing with me.  Your comments really did help… I kid you not, I actually used some parts of your posts when I talked to him, and I think it made an impression.

Biggie & I are giving it another go.  I don’t want to sound too cliché- yes he promised to try to change his behavior, and yes I do want to cling to hope… But.  Seriously.  My blinders are off and I’m not going to let us slide back into that toxic relationship.  I’ve looked up warning signs of emotionally abusive relationships and it’s alarming that we used to fit almost all of them to a tee! But… I find some solace in the fact that a couple of the most telling emotional abuse signs (humiliation, disparagement, name-calling, insults) were never present with us.  In fact, he’d be more likely to beat someone up if they tried to put me down!  I don’t think it’s hopeless, especially because we can still communicate and he’s not a vapid man, he’s not lost to reason, and he’s willing to listen.

We made up on Saturday & he promised to change, maybe not drastically all at once but he’d try his best if I’d try my best to have some patience & understanding for when he slips up.

Yesterday was pretty cool.  I had a Hellish day at work & even had to stay half an hour late… In the old days, any hint of staying even 5 minutes late would’ve been cause for Biggie to blow up.  I used to be afraid of talking about work at all with him- if I had a horrible day & had to vent to someone, I would call my mom & cry to her & then put on a bright face for Biggie so he wouldn’t get mad.  He actually used to say “I don’t deserve to be penalized because of your job” when I was too tired from a hard day to stay up with him late at night.  I’d even started to lie about my hours… if I had to go in early, he expected me to leave early, so sometimes I pretended I just went in at regular hours so he wouldn’t get mad about me working overtime.  I developed these permanent huge bags under my eyes because I never got enough sleep!  And my vanity’s already in a very sensitive state from being 26… giant eyebags don’t help one bit!

Anyway!  The point of all this shameful confession is to display the turnabout that took place.  Yesterday work was harsh, very harsh- I was super-tired by 5pm, but I still had to stay a half hour extra.  By the time I got out, I was dead on my feet… and then when the bus finally pulled up…. There were no seats!  So another hour-long bus ride standing on my aching feet just put me almost in tears.  Now, Biggie had planned a whole thing where he’d pick me up, grab food, and we’d go play WoW at his house.  Usually even a 10-minute delay in his plans is a Big Deal worthy of seething the whole night, but yesterday… I mean first of all I went ahead & vented to him about what a difficult day I was having.  He was supportive!  I could hear him being quiet, suppressing himself, then coming out with thoughtful, considerate words.  When I got on the bus, I was absolutely miserable because of the day I’d had.  However, he stayed on the phone with me for the whole bus ride (don’t you hate people who talk on the phone on the bus?  Haha well I was too miserable to care!) and totally cheered me up & made me laugh.  By the time I reached home, I was actually kind of happy despite my tiredness!

He gave me ample time to shower & dress (which used to be a problem before, he’d always used to rush me), and then he picked me up and we headed for some mysterious destination- he hadn’t picked up any food & wouldn’t tell me where we were going.  After a little bit of getting lost (haha God bless GPS), we ended up at IchiUmi, this pricy but absolutely delicious Asian buffet in New Jersey!  We spent 2 hours there just gorging & talking & being happy.  I ate more than he did!  (o^___^o)

After all that, he took me home.  <– This really meant a lot to me.  This is actually the first time he’s taken me home before midnight, the first time he didn’t insist on my coming over, the first time he didn’t put up a fight about letting me sleep early.  Re-reading this, I realize just how bad it was before- he had all the control.  The real reason I’m sooo happy about yesterday is because it seemed like the first time in a long while that he’s actually thought more about my needs than his own. 

I’m Very Happy!

I know things aren’t going to be perfect.  I know I can’t expect him to magically be a new person.  I know these are tiny baby steps towards something that should naturally just be there in a real healthy relationship.  But seeing his efforts, honestly… all I really wanted was to know it wasn’t all talk.  I don’t want a perfect boyfriend, I just wanted to see the effort.

God help me

I read all your comments and honestly, they made me cry at my desk.  I’m just a mess.  A stupid sniveling waffling mess, and if I were you I’d be pretty annoyed at having to continue to read this stuff.  You see… I think… I don’t know what the fuck is going on.  Even though I should.  I read your comments and I get this clarity like, Yes. Be strong. I know what I have to do.  But then I talk to Biggie and… Well I think maybe you’re not even surprised. 

We talked.  Lots of stuff happened, but basically it came down to this now: He wants to see me today, I want to wait and see him tomorrow.  We had a longstanding promise to spend tomorrow together- He promised me we’d watch Wolverine the movie when it came out tomorrow.  So I wanted to have today alone… I have lots of reasons that I did spell out to him: I worked from7am-5pm today running on 3 hours of sleep, I’m tired, I’m still confused, I need time to think about stuff, I need to come in at 7am again tomorrow morning so I need to get home early, tomorrow after work is what I strongly, strongly, strongly prefer.  His reasoning was like, he feels this absolute urgency- he made this analogy of “Say you’re a parent and you’re at the shopping mall, you’ve been shopping for hours & you’re tired, but you find out your kid is missing.  You lost your kid.  No matter how tired you are, you’re gonna drop everything, drop all your bags, and run to find your kid.  That’s the urgency I feel.  I lost the most important thing in the world, and I can’t wait to set it right.“  Powerful argument but… wtf… I DON’T WANT TO SEE HIM TODAY.  Talk all you want but the bottom line is, I really really really don’t want to do this and if you make me do it I’ll resent the hell out of you for it.

We ended our phone conversation during my lunch break like this:

“I want to spend the rest of my life with you.  I want to be with you forever.  I want to have kids with you, grow old with you, die with you.”
“I want to watch Wolverine with you tomorrow.”
“Are you listening to me at all?”
“Yes.”
“All I ever wanted was to be with you forever.”
“I was really, really looking forward to watching Wolverine with you.”

We’re both so… we’re just bashing our heads together really.  He doesn’t “get” me, I’m too stubborn (bitter? petty?) to give in to him, we just don’t see eye to eye, no meeting of the pig-headed minds here.   I want him to magically, telepathically understand that my wanting to watch a movie with him tomorrow means that Yea!  I’m giving you another chance!  I’m trying to work with you!  I don’t want to give up on us!  But he doesn’t see that at all, he sees me shrugging while he pours his heart out, he sees me just trampling over his bleeding beaten down heart.  And I know all this, I understand all this, but I still can’t find it in me to give him the reactions that he needs! 

And then I get this:

I keep giving myself faith and hope and strength and I know deep down even though you said goodbye to me, its not what you want ultimately. If it is, please… just tell me so that I know that I’m just fooling myself. However, until you do, I swear, I told you last night and I’ll say it a million times. I just don’t know how to say goodbye. So I won’t. I’m not a quitter. I’m a fighter, and I’m going to fight till the end. I’m going to fight this, and you’re my girl… I’m not going to let you go that easy.

Listen, I will keep going, I will keep going. Only if you’re willing to fight this with me, I need you. More than ever. I need you. I need you next to me. But please, like me, drop your pride. If it isn’t pride, drop your selfishness just for a second, and please, help me. Give me something to work with. Give me hope. More importantly, give me your strength and tell me that my dream isn’t just that… a dream. Let me know that you’re willing to duke this out and even though this is probably the hardest thing that we’ll ever have to go through, that you’re willing to go through it, with me. Together. Please. I love you. I need you more than ever on this one. I need you. I love you.

I’m meeting him today after all but (of course) I’m bitter about it.  I don’t want to do anything I’ll regret.  I really wanted to be classy about all this.  And I have to deal with the fact that deep down I don’t want to break up, at all.  Is it emotional blackmail?  Because… honestly?  I wanted to be with him forever too. 

Waffling is a good word.  I’ve been called out for waffling on many things before- like joining a new guild.  I am a world class heavyweight champion waffler- See the Ultimate Example.  I am so upset right now because I know I’m fucking waffling, and it’s hurting us both so much more than if I just took a fucking stand.